Who the fuck are you to come around and judge me for finding a moments happiness? Who the fuck are you to judge the fact that I get out of bed and most days get dressed? Who the fuck are you to question how I manage to be with friends and think about all the good and not the bad?

Every fucking moment of my life is consumed by what is missing from it. Can you for one second really think that me being with people I care about makes me a bad person? Fuck off. I clearly don't grieve like you. Oh hell, I have never done anything in my life like the typical fucking airheads you date. I pride myself in the fact that I am stronger than that. Courtney loved me for that.

I had just made it to a happy place and what do ya know, you fuck it all up. Question myself, question the way others see me. I am not going to do this to my kids or myself. I won't be the girl who wears black and sits in the corner with my cats for the rest of my life. Honestly I don't like cats.

I am me, take it or leave it. I will find peace again. I have no idea if that will be in the next day or not for another 20 years but I will find it. No matter where my life takes me Courtney will always be there in the center of it. Don't for one second take that for granted. I know in my heart that if the positions were reversed he would be feeling and doing the exact same things. He would not bury his head in the sand until "you" say it was time to live again. I won't either.

So bottom line is you can take me on the good days and the bad or you can take your self-righteous, pretentious bullshit, better than the rest, secretly self loathing, always looking for the spot light ass and move the fuck on.

Last night was Metallica. Leading up to go time for leaving I was freaking the fuck out. Melanie and Kristi were both vigalante in their attempts to relax me. The more they tried the more I freaked. I wanted to go, I wanted to enjoy myself. I wanted to be me again. I cleaned the house. I went and ran errands. I took a chill pill (happy Melissa?) and cuddled up with Cal on the couch and passed the fuck out. I did anything and everything to make sure that I would not get ready and go. Sure enough, I get the final are you getting ready phone call. Thank goodness because it is the only reason I woke up, lol. I got ready. I packed the obligatory tailgater ice chest. Dropped the kids off. I made it to the house to pick everyone up. The second I pulled in the driveway I knew it was going to be a great night. All of my anxiety washed away. I had so much fun. It was like I was me again. None of the hurt, none of the anger. I laughed and smiled genuine smiles. I missed having Courtney there but I was okay knowing that he was gone. This simple concert was a huge step in me feeling like there is an end to all of this. The road is long and for this one great night, there will be many many bad nights but this was good. This was what I needed. I love you guys for pulling me out of my comfort zone and I thank you! For now, for this short moment in time I am ready for what is next. Good or bad.

I have come to realize that in my grief I have become a really shitty friend. I think there are a few of you who have tried to get me to see this but I am that stubborn to just ignore it.

I try to make plans but chances are I will weasel my way out of them. Unless of course they are at my house. Bottom line is I have some real anxiety about leaving my house. Doing the everyday errands are okay but leaving to go out and enjoy myself is hard. I am so afraid to leave and forget one single detail of our life together. There is so much guilt I feel having the ability to leave when he can't. What right do I have to enjoy what should have been our life together when he won't. I know this is not healthy but I am so so torn. This is one of the main reasons I have turned into such a horrid friend.

Then of course there is the inevitable disappearing act. If I do leave the house I have a tendency to get worked up and panic. Instead of being a normal person and let others see this I bolt. I vow to not do this anymore as the last time was a real wake up in how dangerous this habit is becoming.

I don't answer the phone. Chances are I am avoiding having to answer the barrage of questions. Then I don't return the call because then there are just more questions.

Now here is the favorite go to. If I do talk and interact there is a very damn good chance that our entire conversation was led by me bullshitting you into talking about anything and everything to do with the state of affairs in my life. Deflection is the name of the game. I really have gotten good at this. Even when you know I am doing it, you fall for it.

There are the people in my life that like I said in the previous post I am ready to close that door. Then there are the friends that I am here to apologize to. There are so many friends that have done so much for the boys and I. There are just no words to explain how sorry I am. I have been selfish and unkind. My grief and self loathing has left me on an island alone. I know it is wrong and I am trying to fix it but please be patient. I foresee this going on for some time because on this island there is no raft. There is no easy fix. You are all welcome to visit but leaving this place is something I need to do on my own. This is the journey, I must take to find my peace in life. I hope that if I find a way home than some of you will still be there.

I need motivation. There is this voice I can hear in the back of my head but it is quiet no more than a whisper. It is urging me to get back to the grind to bring stability into our lives. I fear that unless it grows louder I am just going to continue on this path of self sabatoge.

I feel like such a hypocrite for living my life right now in the opposite way I strive to teach my boys.
Always do what makes you happy.
Live for that sake of living not for the sake of others opinions.
Strive for more.
Cherish what you have not what you have lost.

Such simple things to do are now so agonizing. I am trying though. I need to wrap my head around him being gone. I have denied myself that. I know I have talked about it before but I think that once I do that I can return to being me. I need to take all of the memories I re-play in my head each day and find a way to see them how they made me happy, not how they make me sad. I need to find that control over this monster that is eating my soul. I swear if you mention drugs one more time I will punch you in your whoreish face, Saya. If I can find my footing then I will look at drugs to keep my hold but you know me. I am way to much of a stubborn hag to admit I need help yet.

Okay in general I am angry. In general I am angry at nothing and everything all at the same time. There really is no way to put a finger on the anger yet. Well, now I do have something. This blog isn't going to be light hearted. It isn't going to be nice. This isn't referring to one person, it is about several of you. If you think it is about you chances are it is and if your feelings are hurt well, I really could give a shit right now.

First off, if you know me you know that I will go to extreme lengths to protect my kids. They always have been my reason for living. I am absolutely overprotective. So know that this is about your actions toward them and me not letting it slide any longer.

Secondly, I know that we are all in pain. We all lost Courtney. We all hurt to see his things, to go places where we have memories of him. I know that seeing the kids and I are like salt in the wound. I have said it before I understand.

Finally, know that you are an adult. Your loss, my loss none of that is anything compared to the loss my kids have endured. Don't forget for one second that as much as it hurts you it hurts them much much worse.

Okay now read this with an open mind and make you decision on how to proceed from here. I will tell you that 100% I am ready to cut my losses and walk the fuck away. I won't continue to see hurt in my kids eyes when they speak of you or the way things were before.

So before Courtney passed away our house was a gathering place. Dinners, bbq's, movie nights, stop by for a minute that type of thing. Almost every weekend there was something going on at someone's house, the kids would usually come for a bit and then home they went. If they didn't come they knew where we were and who we were with. This was how it WAS up until the day he died.

My kids have been way down lately. We talk about it but I can never really get the whole story. I know there is something missing. Well, finally #1 fesses up. Then 2 and 3 chime in. They are upset because there are people used to come around and are now gone. These same people made my kids promises at the funeral and in the weeks after that no matter what they would be here for them. They weren't going anywhere and if they needed anything all the boys had to do was say something. Guess what you selfish fucks, the kids notice that you are gone. Nowhere to be found. They ask about you and I give them the obligatory story. Do I understand that everything has changed, yes. Do I understand that life gets in the way? Yes. Do I understand how you can make a promise to a child who just had their heart ripped out and then not follow through? Not at all.

They actually said that they feel that those people who are now just voices in the wind were only really there for Dad. Never for them. Can you step out of your grief for one moment and look at this from a child's eyes? I am so angry that some of the people that we held closest to our hearts, that we trusted with our kids have been the ones to hurts us the most. I am so angry that aside from their own hurt feelings they are hurting for me because they see me as being left behind by these individuals also. I am so pissed that my kids are worrying about me and I know that as angry as I am at these people I am angry at myself for letting my kids take that on. Could I stop them from taking that emotion, could I stop them from caring , no. It really is just so much pain dealt that I don't think is being done intentionally but nonetheless being done.

I can say that for the several of you that have failed miserably as friends there have been others who have gone above and beyond. Those who really have helped me keep my faith in what a friend really is. The ones who I have been lived the odd parallel lives with who I should have been closer to long ago but for some strange reason wasn't. The ones who I can go for months on end of no contact but the moment I need them they send a stupid note or find the most inappropriate thing to make me smile. The ones who live in other states and countries. Those are the ones who don't bother with the empty promises. Those are the ones that don't let their grief hinder them but they let us heal together.

We all grieve in different ways. We all live our lives. We all move in different paths in life. All of that is okay that is the nature of being who we are but never forget the ones who meant the most to you. Never forget that moving on doesn't mean forgetting. Ignoring doesn't mean healing.

I am tired of the quiet. I am tired of the unceasing noise. I am tired of the phone always ringing I am tired of th ephone not ringing. I am tired of living my life this way. I am tired of not living my life. I am tired of the images that never seem to leave my mind. I am tired the worry of forgetting one single moment of the images in my mind.

It is never ending. There is no balance anymore. How do you live for the joy in life when a part of you has been taken away? The motions of being "normal" for my children are becoming harder and harder each day. I just don't know how to do this alone. He was so much a part of me, he had become me.

No relationship is ever perfect. Our was no different, we argued, we bickered and we disagreed. In all of that we found each other time and time again. When we argued it wasnt ugly. A fight never lasted for days. It didnt effect other aspects of our lives. There were no words spoken in anger that were regretted later. I have never in my life trusted someone the way I trusted him. I could see him across a room and without a single word we would know what the other was thinking. We had the same hope and ideas of the future. We never went more than a few hours without contact. He would call or text and I the same for no good reason, just so we knoew the other was there. I knew that no matter what the situation, he held me and the kids in his hand. I never had to worry that there would be a time that he would betray that trust and love. He let me be me. He never tried to change me. We just grew together and in that we grew to be one. We found that balance in life that so few do. Courtney was Courtney and Vicki was Vicki but together we were more.

It is so cliche but he is my soulmate. How do I live without such a huge part of my soul? How do I keep this fake smile and go on about my day? All I want to do is sit and cry. I just want to mourn without the worry of hurting someone else in the process. I just want to sob and sob until this pain is gone.

Okay, a bit of relief has come our way. The POS has once again dropped the custody/visitation case. He had visitation right there in his hands and pulls out. The timing is all wrong, he is going to be traveling for work. Fuck I am so happy for my boys. This is a huge weight that has lifted. He can't touch them. They can relax and not have that what if lingering over them. When I told them that it was over, I could actually see their spirits lift. They smiled, #1 actually giggled a little. It was so good to see them look like kids again even if it was just for a minute.

Today Courtney's mom also had eye surgery. One eye took several hours. This was supposed to be a quick in and out procedure. Now they tell me that she must remain on her stomach with her head down for the next week in recovery. How the fuck do I manage this. It was going to be hard enough to deal with taking care of her and Ed without this new twist. I can not in any way shape or form move this woman. I will not even consider the option of wiping anything let alone an ass. Oh hell no. Ed just isn't capable of doing these things either. Contrary to popular belief I am happy and relived that she is okay. I hope that this is what she needs to see better. I am waiting for the moment when I can sit again. Breath again and for the love of all that is holy in this world not take care of anyone but myself and my kids.

See I told you I was losing my mind. Erica has the right song. Steve Miller Band. I just had the words mushed in my mush brain.

The season is changing and I am going through the motions that need to be done to ready for winter. Really I gave no thought of it before. There is alot of shit to do. My only concern was to tell Courtney which plants needed special care and that is it. He checked the roof, took care of the gutters, trimed the trees and packed away all of the outdoor toys. Now it is up to the boys and I. We got some of it done this weekend. I figure a little at a time still counts. The change I have seen in the kids is enormous. Last year Courtney dragged them out to help him and they fought and kicked the entire time. This year they dove in head first. They found great pride in doing what Dad did. They goofed around with each other the way he did.

There are moments where I am so afraid that someday they will deal with losing him by denying him. Not for lack of love but more of defence. Cutting off the hurt. Then there are moments where I see so much of him in them. Little quirks he had, they share. The way they sit, the faces they make, the tone they take, just little things noone else sees. It fills my heart with so much pride to know that even though he was not their biological father that he very clearly did create them. He shared himself with them and they absorbed so much. I know that because of him they will be good men someday.

There is a song, really it is one line of a song. I don't even know the name of it. The line however is "Time keeps on ticking". Every single day there is a moment (most times many moments) that I hear that little voice in my head. That line repeats again and again.

It was screaming at me today. It was a playoff game for the #2 and #3. I kept thinking of last year. Courtney was so damn excited that they made it. I was so irritated that the season was still going. This year my sentiment was the same. I missed his so much. Him hooting and hollering from the stands. His egging on of the other team. Him just being the dad he was meant to be. They ended in a harsh loss. The game was rigged I tell you. The boys were crushed and I know it would have made a huge difference if he was there.

After the game my dad wanted to take the boys out to eat. My first thought, let me call Courtney and see if he wants to meet us. There was that voice again. Taunting me. I can't believe I actually had my phone in hand ready to call him. I did keep my composure and I am sure that none of them caught on but fuck, that was hard.

I just want to feel normal again. Funny thing that was normal for that one second, I lost myself in the running bullshit lines I feed myself on a daily basis just to get through. I honestly forgot that he is gone. For that second after a shitty shitty day, I felt like I did when he was here. Then of course the guilt hit. Like a ton of bricks. I have this pit in my stomach like I just did him the worst disservice ever by forgetting he had died. I know that he really could give a shit but it seems like for that moment time stood still. He was there waiting for my call. If I had dialed the phone he would have picked it up. I didn't though and now TIME KEEPS ON TICKING.

I have come here to post so many times in the last few weeks. Each time I break down and just can't put the words into text as they pour from my mind. So much has happened so much has changed.

Time is passing. Time is standing still. There is no sense to my words, that I know. Every single day that he is gone is getting harder. I think that I have just began to realize that he isn't coming back. I have gotten through each day by living for my kids. I have fooled myself into the thought that this is just a test. He is waiting right around the corner to say it is over and I will never leave you again. I am just done. I can't continue on like I have.

I am so disappointed in myself. I feel that I am letting everyone down but I cant smile anymore. It hurts to much. I cant go on about my life and act like I know it will be okay because I know it wont. Nothing will be okay without him. He was more than just a partner to me. He was part of me. I am so empty and lost without him. I need him so that I can be me.

I have no idea where this blog will go from here. All I know is that I need this place to come and spew my emotions. I need this place to come and sort out my thoughts and experience from the day. So who knows what you may find, I certainly don't but I will guarantee that you will find something from here on out.

It is coming way to fast this year. His birthday is looming over our house. Usually it is such a great time. We are all busy busy decorating and planning for Halloween. This year I can hardley get the kids in the spirit. They are so down. They are still going through the motions but I can just see them getting sadder and sadder. We talk about him and share stories but they just end every conversation with we miss him so much. I just dont know how to help them. I have no idea how to prepare them for christmas. Hell, I dont know how to prepare them for the rest of their lives without him. They have been slipping up more and talking about when they do this or that what Dad will say or do. I see in their eyes that moment of clarity and it is like a knife in the heart. You can see just how much it hurts. You can see they light leave their eyes.

This is when I get angry. These kids didnt deserve this. I dont deserve this. Courtney doesnt deserve this. We found happiness, we found where we belonged in life. We found the truest meaning of love. Now how do I show my kids that they need to have faith that they will each be okay? How do I show them that they shouldnt be afraid of life? I cant even convince myself.

It feels like forever since I have posted. I just can't seem to put myself in the frame of mind to make my thoughts clear. It seems to me the more time passes the harder this is getting. The more I can't repress my emotions. The more I can't play nice with the rest of humanity. Everyday that goes by is one more that he isnt here. The days are adding up and it hurts. I think that in some ways I may just now be starting to really grieve. I mean I miss him every moment, I think of what should have been, I play those wretched pictures in my mind. I have never and will never stop talking about him and including his name in my conversations but it is really starting to hurt to hear others talk about him. Then if people don't I get mad. I am just so confussed. I can't get my head above the waves, I am not drowning just fighting day in and day out. I am so tired of fighting. I want to just cry and cry until there are no more tears but they just keep falling. I want to sleep the day away but the kids keep me moving. I just hurt and there is nothing more I can do about it. I ignore things and they come back, I deal with things and more is brought in their place. I just dont know which way to turn right now.

Time is relative in my world now. I know my list of things that need competion each day. I know what extras need to be done out of the norm on each day. I know who to pick up and where on each day. The issue lies within all of that. Each day is just a day. Time seems to have become a number on the clock. Time in my world is not moving forward. Each day that passes doesnt change where my mind is in time. My mind is stuck on the day Courtney died. I know time is moving, I know people are moving, I just can't bring myself to get past that morning. I have let so many things go. Unless something is slapping me in the face I just ignore it unless it has to do with getting done that day. For example, #3's birthday is on Sunday. I know his birthday is coming. I know that I need to keep with the traditions that we have made as a family. I want to do something special for him becasue this is his first birthday without his dad. This is our first "holiday" without him. Have I done anything? No. Have I organized anything? No. Have I even bought presents? No. I feel that the moment I do then I will have to face the fact that this is our life , he is gone and it is up to me to give them everything the same as it was before. My own demons are being brought into the light and I just dont know what to do with them. My chils will have a great birthday because that is what he needs, that is what we all need but it hurts so much to do it without him.

Do you feel it? The bite in the air today. The slight breeze that holds menacing whispers. The voices there are so many of them. They are all trying to break free, to tell us their secrets. The calm. There are no birds, there are no unseen creatures scurrying about in the bushes, there are not the clicks and clacks of the squirrels. There is nothing, they feel it, they listen, they see the signs. It is there waiting, building, empowering itself. It's reach can be unending, it can sneak into the placss you thought you had blocked out for good. Do you feel it? It is looking to take hold. It can be whatever it chooses, I think the course of where it takes us is not decided until it is here staring each of us in the face. Strength is what you need to fight it, to make it bend to your will. What do you do if you cant fight, cant resist. Do you sit and wait for the inevitable? If you stop for just a moment you can feel it caress. If you run it will find you, if you stand you ground it will suffocate you. There is no mercy for the weak, there is no reward for the strong. It is all around me right now. I can feel it coming this time. I don't know where I will be thrown this time. I don't know what will become of me or my family this time. I can feel it. Change. Change is on the wind, it is in every breath I take. I know it is coming and I am scared. I can feel it in every cell of my body. I have seen it in the dark, I have felt it in the light. It is here waiting and watching. Change.

Courtney was an ordained minister. This came about one night when Staci and BJ were talking about their wedding. We joked that he should marry them. So I went online, typed in his name, clicked OK and bada bing he can officially run a church, start a religion or marry our friends. Honestly it was ridiculously easy. I even paid 5 or 10 dollars for the extra certificate. This then led to us asking Rick to marry us. We followed the same procedure just without the extra certificate. Courtney was so excited to see what sorted anecdote Rick would come up with for the day. (Untold wedding detail - Rick was the only person who was to have a part in the wedding besides the boys. As much as there were others that we love, we were not going to have attendants.) I don't even know how it happened but Courtney began calling himself our "direct link to God". Pretty fucking funny because he even used that line in the ceremony. He loved to call himself that. Everyone did. But now it has taken on a new meaning. This has kept my mind racing all night. Was it in some way his premonition? Was this his way of knowing without realizing that soon he would literally become this persona? This brings in the whole afterlife discussion, which my feelings may or may not be swaying. I have spent countless hours wondering if there is an afterlife. Are ghosts real? If so are they those in our lives that have died or something different? Now neither he nor I are religious, we certainly have faith but in "God" I don't know. Our beliefs are in no way traditional or organized they are what they are but is he now there with whoever it is in charge? Is he putting in a word to improve the "plan" laid out for each of us? I am not looking for a discussion or an opinion just talking out loud. I just wonder was this his warning that none of us not even he saw?

I have spent the weekend reflecting. Not in the typical sit and think way but the way of doing. The one and only person who may understand what some have deemed inappropriate conduct as of late Melissa, came and kicked major ass decorating the yard. We put everything out, did some webbing and drank some beers. This was Courtney's thing. He loved to make it appear that Halloween had vomited all over our house. He would spend hours tweeking and adjusting. His dream was to one day have enough to do a haunted house. This required the cutsie things out front for all to enjoy but he wanted to eventually have enough decorations to spill the ghastly gorey things into the backyard. Someday, I just may try to keep that hope alive. Anyway, I have dreaded doing this. Touching all the things he touched last. Wondering should everything go where he had it or find it a new place. Would I even be able to do it? Melissa made it perfect. I smiled real smiles and everything just fell ito place. It is the one thing that has gone flawless since he died.

Saturday was girls night. My first night out of the house with no kids and no agenda other than to relax and enjoy some of the funniest girls around. This was rough. So many things involved. My own anxieties and insecurities were at a head. There were a few bumps in this road but all in all it was good. I laughed and laughed. I didnt worry about what others were saying. I was prepared and was able to enjoy. I was thrown when the parents of #3's best friend were there. They are an amazing couple and they were there on a "date". That hurt. Alot. I fell hard. My damn heel got caught in the deck and I landed so hard that I ripped a hole in pants I have only worn once. Fucking shit. I came home with mints an ass load of mints because Judi is a theif and filled all of our purses. It was good. It was a lesson for me though. I have taken to leaving without telling anyone. This is a bad thing. I need to stop but the feeling is so overwhelming I can't even explain. I seriously could have gotten myself in a bad spot that night and am damn lucky I didnt.

Life has become more challenging then i ever thought possible. Those who I thought would be our friends to the end are gone. There are whispers of them but they are few and far between. Those who came and went have become my rocks. Those who I have found through this years agony are the ones that I cherish the most. Some family has shocked and amazed me with their callous attitude and some have shown what family really is. There are so many promises that were made, so many good intentions that were empty words. It is okay though because the clarity that his death has brought has been my saving grace many times. Courtney and I talked so many times about who we thought would be there with us old and grey and I am so proud to see that we were right. Maybe just maybe this means that some of the other things we played fortune teller with will come true.

I did it. My post yesterday gave me the courage to finally face my bed alone. No clothes, no baby. Okay the puppy still slept with me but damnit he freezes at night alone in his crate. I did not sleep until late. It was a fitfull sleep. It was a deep slumber. It was a night full of panicky moments that brought me straight out of bed. It made me realize how alone we are. Courtney was our protector. He made me feel so safe. I am that girl who would hear a noise and run outside when he was here but now I am scared of every shadow. I cant stop my mind from racing. I close all windows, lock all the doors, curtains battened down against the unknown. If I hear a menacing noise, I torture myself until I go to check it. I bring Louie to attention knowing that it really is a 50/50 chance on wether he will do his job and protect or turn tail and run. I have debated with myself several times over and over today about what to do. I wont let the kids feed off this paranoia. They have enough to deal with my bogus fear will not be their burden. I am sure in time I will grab hold of these fears and squash them but until then I will hope the boogey man will stay at bay.

Now as for sleeping alone it was completly as I expected. Everything I said above but the dreams are back. Fleeting bits and pieces non coherent mumbo jumbo. I dont remember what they were but I know they were there. I hope that soon I will see his face, I will feel the memory of his touch, I will see the future that was robbed from me. That is what dreams are glimpses of what could have been, what should have been and that is what I need so desperatley.

Guilt. It is the emotion that I have encountered lately. Grief is overwhelming. Anger is emcompassing. But guilt is the emotion that will overtake you every cell. It will take you to a deep dark place that is swathed in the notions of what ifs. Guilt will touch every single thing you do. It will engulf every aspect of your life.

My guilt is drowning me. Please dont bother to give me the obligatory "it's not your fault lines" they really are pointless. The only thing they do is bring on more guilt for writing this blog and letting you see the raw emotions. My guilt is over everything. Guilt for not doing more while he was here. Why didnt we go on more vacations, why did we not indulge the whims we came up with? Why did I bitch at him for the little insugnifigant things like taking out the garbage or putting clothes in the hamper? Why did I not notice something was wrong? How could I not see it. Why did I not beg him to stay home on Sunday? Why did I not stay awake until he fell asleep? Why did I not hold him longer before I went to sleep, why did I not kiss him like it would be our last? Why did I not keep him awake with my incesent yammerings? How did I not wake up before it happened? Why didnt I call 911 sooner? Why couldnt I do more? Why didnt I go in the ambulance with him? Why?

There is no way to get away from these thoughts. They have absorbed who I am, they have taken me over. As much as I want to do away with them I dont. I feel like the pain that my guilt puts forth is what I deserve. I cant have the bliss he gave me so now I have the pain.

Just because I know you are wondering. The laundry sits just like it has for the last 2 months. I was infact bullshitting myself. I am just not there yet.

The biggest step I have taken in acknowledging Courtney is gone was completed today. Just before he died we finished our plans for our tattoo traveling trip. We planned on where we would go and what type of tattoos we would get when we got there. Using traditional methods of course. Far into our future but yet another one of our plans neer to be realized.

So last week I went to get the memorial tattoo for Courtney, my goodbye to him. Shit was all janky and it just wasnt going to happen. So rebooked the appt and off I went. Staci kept me sane on a serious verge of breaking down. She twisted my arm and we went to some random shop. We picked a goofy ass koi, it felt good to feel the pain. Don't get me wrong it hurt like a bitch but still the release through the pain felt good. It looks okay and I am good with it. Ironically the symbolizem for a koi is fitting for its purpose at that moment and the next few months I am to face.

Fast forward to today. I went to an absolutely amazing artist. He is the only one who has gotten the concept. He understood the pain I wanted to resinate from the piece. It is so much more than I thought. I feel like a weight has been lifted. Back story goes like this... girl represents me, crows represent death, I am there on the edge ready to fall at any second. The smallest movement will push me forward, frozen in that spot forever. The crows are leaving the body, they are him leaving me, they are pulling me away from the edge. They were part of her as he is part of me, different beings but combined together as one. I bitched out at the end, the part at the top right behind my knee. I was done but he had the last couple of crows to do. They all talked me into nutting up and those 4 crows made the piece. Those 4 crows are my boys. Once again I thought I couldnt do something and those damn kids made me have to go on. So the last part is him leaving me but still being part of them.

I am going to let you in on a secret. One or two people already know but really it is something that I didn't want to be public knowledge. I figure the only way to make me accept the fact that it doesn't change anything is to admit it. If I go about embarrassing myself publicly then maybe it will give me the balls to change.

My routine for doing laundry is simple. Sort laundry, wash laundry, dry laundry, take laundry to our bedroom and iron everything but undies and socks, while ironing separate into each person's pile, yell at kids until they put clothes away. Since Courtney died, I have left that routine. I have removed the ironing step. There just isn't enough time in the day, especially during football season and Cal tugging at my leg the entire time. I enjoy ironing and it was my time alone and Courtney would entertain all of the boys. I have also abandoned the yelling at the boys part. The reason behind this is my secret. Since he died my bed has been piled high with laundry. Sorted into their respective piles. Lined up in precise order. The reason for sorting is so that each of the boys can still easily find their clothes each day. The reason for the precision line-up, is so that the weight of the clothes in the dark of the night makes me feel like he is there. At night we would sleep soundly knowing that with just a slight movement we could feel each other. I cant sleep without him, I cant be alone in my bed without him. Having the weight of the laundry there makes it seem like I am not alone. My goal is tonight to have everything put away. To spend my first night "alone". Chances are that I am bullshitting myself but maybe just maybe if I move the laundry out of the way and open myself up to the pain it will inflict, my dreams will come back to me. Maybe I will see his face in those dreams, maybe we will sit and have a talk. Maybe...

People are always pushing me to talk about what I feel. They say you have to let out your emotions, you need to let your kids see that it's okay to cry. Why do you bottle it all up? Well, since you pesky buggers won't leave me alone I am going to break it down for the last time. It will be the same song and dance I have given before but if I dedicate an entire post to it you may get it through your thick ass head...

I am not that girl. Never have been, never will be. I don't like to cry. It makes me feel weak, it does not in any way shape or form make me feel better. I don't want anyone to see that side of me. That emotional side, the hurt side I should say was for Courtney and Courtney alone to see. Sure there were times when I would cry for no damn reason other than the fact that I have a vagina that makes me lose my fucking mind on occasion. In our time together I would dare say he only saw me cry maybe 5 times a year and that is a genorous number. I would say out of those only a handful were breakdown sobbing. He knew me well enough to know when I needed him before I got to that point. He also knew to leave me the fuck alone if I got to that point and when to come at the perfect moment to make it all go away. He never cried because I cried. He never fed me bullshit obligatory lines when I was upset.

Now with him not being here the crying wont solve anything. Here is what happens, I cry. The room goes silent, everyone is uncomfortable, other people start crying and it is just bullshit. I will not take that on. If you cry it is because you are sad, I have no problem with. For me crying is personal. I don't share all of myself with many people. I refuse to show the weak side of myself to anyone who will try to take it on and make it better. There is no way to heal this hurt. There is no way to fill the void that is left in my soul.

As for my kids, if one more mother fucker dares to tell me what to do with them and how to help them get through this I dont care who you are or what you meant to Courtney or I. Every ounce of anger will be unleashed upon you. I am doing everything possible to get them through this. I am doing what I feel is right. They see me cry and we talk about it. They cry and we talk about it. They are seeing councelors about it. I have done all I can to make sure as little as possible has changed in the way we go about our daily lives. Now that would not be possible if I outwardly showed what a wreak I am on the inside. The attention needs to be on them not me. They have also had to take on the burden and I do mean burden of the emotions and opinions of others. So teaching them to smile in the face of grief as a defense doesnt seem so wrong to me. They have had their moments to where they break in front of people and they know they can take that as time to heal with friends or they can walk away and save it for when they have their family. They know how sad I am they see how much it hurts but to see me stop life as they know it would change them for the worse. They already will never be the same. I will not have my constant flow of tears add to that.

So if you are so desperate to see me cry. Come on by in the dark of night when I sit alone with my mind centered on him. Or everyday when I touch something that was his, or smell his cologne after I take a shower. Or when I am in the car and my mind wanders to what we would have been doing or what we would have been talking about. Oh there is always dinner where the kids would run wild and he and I would cook together and now the kids still run wild but I am there alone. The dinner table where we talk about him almost every night.

Just because you dont see tears does not mean for one second that I dont miss him every second of the day. Just because I wont tell you what my real feeling are doesnt mean that it doesnt kill me every morning to get out of bed and go about life as if he is just on a vacation. This pain I feel will never subside, no matter what turns life takes and how much time passes this pain will always be there, I just wont let it define me to you.

It has been awhile. So many things are going on. I can't keep pace. My mind is a fucking mess. I can't find up from down. No really, I am having a hard time putting a coherent sentence together. I have no memory long or short term. Everything is moving at a serious fast-forward and I am stuck on 1/2 time.

Why this havoc is decending I do not know. Am I going crazy? Am I realizing I am not cut out to do all of this alone? Am I to tired and the need for sleep is impending? Am I just now coming to terms with the fact that he is gone? I just want to scream from the rooftops that I don't fucking know.

I am pushing forward but the motions are weak. I am still putting on the happy face but the tears are flowing more often. I am trying to keep up the appearence but failing miserably. I am trying to find the inentive to find a job though you would think the strong possibility of foreclosure would kick me in the ass.

The only way that I can think of to clear my mind is here. More so than the petty sorry for myself posts that usually seep from my mind but more me answering questions that are hurled at me. Me defending my position of why I do what I do. Why even though I may be a wretch of a person I am still better than you. While I live my life the way you dont agree with its okay because each and every mistake I own.

I broke today. I broke my own simple cardinal rule. I have fought long and hard to not break this sacred commandment. I cried and I mean really cried in a very public setting with my kids present. Today was just to much. Every which way I turned, there it was slapping me in the face. Happy families, perfect couples, kids hanging on their dads every word all in all everything I am missing. The day was calm and peaceful until I made my plans for tomarrow which include taking Courtney off the last few things that are in both of our names. #1 had a football game tonight. These are always hard. It just hurts to know this should be a family event. It burns to see all the dads beaming with pride. It aches to have that seat next to me empty. #2 and #3 had a pizza night for their football. The friday before he died we had dinner there, with 4 of the people that were most special to us. Walking in that door took every ounce of courage I had. Sitting there hurt so much. I just couldnt do it. I tried so damn hard to hold back the tears but they just wouldnt stop. I passed off #4 and ran outside. I wanted to throw up literally. I was an idiot. I couldnt stop myself. I was like a child who was crying so hard they can't breath anymore. I finally composed myself and went inside to try to grab the boys and run before the entire team saw the state I was in. No such luck. The stares from everyone told the story that they all knew. I am so ashamed that I lost it in front of the kids, in front of their friends and in such a public place. Now I have to face each and everyone of them tomorrow at practice. At least they all have something to talk about again.

Right back where I started. Fuck the facing reality bullshit I was touting yesterday. I am full well back into my cocoon of denial. It is warm here, it is quiet, it is full of everything everyone else needs which thankfully leaves no time for what I need. This dark corner of a wasted mind is where I will make my bed.

People are still just finding out about Courtney's death. Seriously? We live in a town where people literally gossip about how often so and so took a shit yesterday but you dont hear about an incredible life being snubbed out. It's okay I mean I dont have anything better to do than sit and relive that day for your amusement. No I was just kidding we are just prepping for a REALLY early and involved April fools joke. This is why I dont answer the phone anymore, I am sick of random people finding our phone number and calling. If you hadnt spoke to him since highschool and you now live out of state, I really really do appreciate the call or letters you send but I am not looking to bond over this.

I also went to his grave today. His tombstone is there. Cold, hard stone. White and grey. No sign of the life it represented. His name is there, etched for eternity. He is one the end of the row. In his typical place in life, right where he can see everything that is going on around him, guiding people along their way. The few simple words I was allowed to inscribe were so hard to think of , they seemed meaningful at that moment but now they just seem empty. As if I should have fought for what I wanted but then again I have no idea what that would have been even had I been allowed full reign. Military cemetaries are very strict about how they look. No additions, like pictures or dumb pinwheels or things people seem to like to leave at gravesites. Fresh flowers only in the cemetaries approved containers. I sat, I cried, I spoke to him, I cried some more. It just never seems to end.

Today had such an illusion of normal. Followed the routine. Same routine we have had everyday for years on school days. Things seemed as if it was back to business as usual.

The difference was that I caught myself wondering why he hadn't called on his morning break. Three times during the day I picked up my phone and dialed his number with something to share with him. When getting ready for the gym, I actually went out to the front room to tell him the agenda. I went to bed and forgot to turn off the t.v. in the front room. I caught myself mid-bitch of yelling for him to turn it off and come to bed.

I am not sure what happened to my mind today. Have I turned a corner from constantly grieving to full on denial? Is it possible to be in denial and know you are in it? I am more confused than ever. My mom and her husband sent me an interesting book about moving through the grieving process. I have yet to read the book but the few spot checks I have attempted have shown promise. It has made me think that other than the short paper the Chaplin gave me the day this spiral began I have made no attempt to heal myself. I have made no attempt to face this head-on. I know the time is coming, I can hear it banging on the fortress door. I can feel the cool breath of reality on the back of my neck.

Step one will begin tomorrow. It will be the start of facing his death head on or it will push me further into my corner. I am not sure but it will begin something either way. Tomorrow I am going to visit his grave. His tombstone should be there. The grass should be growing in. It should be a quiet day, no services. I imagine it will be he and I and if I am taking this plunge, his ass better be there too. We shall see...

Avoidance that has been the name of my game in regards to this blog. This week was a week packed full of firsts. I just couldnt face them I just couldnt bring myself to speak of them. The thing is that no matter how I try to side step all of the things Courtney and I used to plan for they still come. All of the things that are inevitable in life still happen. In the end I it comes down to the cold hard fact that my world is stuck at 4:09 a.m. August 4th, 2008, the rest of the world is steadily moving along. Now is the time that either I stay there in that moment dipping my feet into reality for the sake of my kids or I move on with them hand in hand. Of course that is not good enough for me. I wont leave that day. I wont move past it but I will move on with living because I can't just be a witness to their lives. I am their mother and I need to be there with them in all they do.

#1 had his first official highschool football game. I swear I saw Courtney's face smiling down at him. He was so excited to go watch him play. So incredibly proud that he took such a leap outside of his normal self imposed prison and went out for the team.

#4 is finally starting to talk. Still only a word here and there. Nothing regular but each word is another thing that his daddy is missing. He is such a boy now. So few baby traits are left in him, the way he walks, the manner in which he plays it is all so different from 6 weeks ago. He knows when he sees Courtney in pictures to say dada. He smiles and kisses them.

#2 is having a hard time. Trying to find his path. Trying to be his dad but be himself. I see a fire in his eyes, a mix of ambition, rebellion and pure unadulturated anger. I wonder where that will take him.

#3 compares himself, every little thing to his dad. Always questioning what Dad would have thought. What would Dad have said. Always talking about how much he is like him.

I peeled off the scab that has covered my soul and took the boys camping. Raw emotion abounds. They have been begging to go to Courtney's favorite spot. Dillon Beach. We all loved it there and always have a great time. Leaving home was good, leaving the pressures of reality was great, being in a place that held so much of him was spectacular. It felt good to be there with friends that wont judge. To be with friends that were/are family to us. For those that came to give their time to indulge my insecurities of being alone meant so much. The beach was the hardest. We would sit out there and just watch the tides. We would watch the kids, we would dig ridiculous holes in the beach, we would find disgusting forms of dead creatures, we would yet again plan our future. It was so hard to see #4 play and know how badly Courtney wanted to take him there. We just never had the time. We never made the present a priority.

That is the joke that time plays on all of us again and again. It is the never ending banter of person after person getting screwed. Time is never ending. There will always be more time. Problem is the time you are living in is the only time you really have. Time is its own form of life, you cant control it, you cant bend it to your will, you never know when your time is up. But wait dont forget all of the things that are requirements of your time, the must-do's in life. But wait dont forget to go and live your life to the fullest do not wait for the future to fullfill your dreams. But wait...

Today was a day that I faced a great fear of mine. In our lives, in our home the garage was Courtney's domain. Until the day we had a home where he could have a "man cave" that is. Things were organized his way, each and everything in the garage is where he planned for it to be. It was the one place that I had nothing to worry about. I would drop things off that had made their way into the house and he would put them in their place.

There was once that I tried to do him a favor and get things organized while he was at work. Wayne and Jed bore witness to that debacle. The look of sheer terror in their eyes that I dared to touch things in his garage was hysterical. It was nothing to the look that he gave me when he came home, lol. He banished me immediatly. He then snuck inside and gave me the biggest hug and kiss. He said that he loved me and loved how it looked but couldnt lose face in front of his friends. I mean really what man would let his woman put things away in his garage. Then off he went again, I am sure bitched up a storm about how out of line I was.

He was in the middle of cleaning things when he passed. After hosting the memorial and having so many people come in and out and my typical putting things out there it was a mess. He is no longer here to straighten things up. It has been a weight on my shoulders. I didnt want to touch anything that he had put away by himself. I wanted everything just the way he left it. Problem is I knew in the back of my head that I needed to finish what he started. Today I tackled that task. I swept, I moved things, I oraganized. I cleaned out the tool buckets he had packed and ready for work that morning. Everything is in its place. I covered his bike. I tried so hard to think of what he would say if he was to come home and see the garage right now. Everything is sitting and waiting for him. I am so unsure if it was the right thing to do. I feel the weight , it is still there but it has shifted. I havent cried this much in a few days. Funny thing is that they were tears of pure unadultrated sorrow but of how much that damn garage reflects who he was. I swear to you I haven't seen so many of the same tool on the shelves at the home depot. He has tools that were must haves at the moment but I kid you not they are still in the origional boxes unopened. So so many things that I have not a clue what they are and what they do but I know he had a plan for each and everything in that garage. Every inch of this house reminds me of him but being out there is just so much like being with him still. God I miss him. I love him so much.

The air is thick. Heavy with the heat of the day. The night is dark and still. Holding the trials and tribulations of the day. The only sound to be heard is the whisper of the night. It holds untold futures on the tip of its tounge, The whispers of night will never relinquish their secrets. Nights reflect the thoughts and feelings that are so easily blinded by the sunlight. The minutes tick by. Each hour takes longer than the last. Clarity is easier to come by in the deepest of night. That clarity is like a magic mirror. It shows you who you are, it shows you who others are. Through the reflection that is night, you can't lie to yourself. You no longer the mirage that others see. The reflection of others is black and white there is no color to cloud your judgement. If you sit long enough you see things, hear things. A flash of the past here, a snapshot of the future there. The night is either your best friend or your worst enemy. It is not what you make of it. The night is what you take from it. In the past month I have embrassed the dark. It has been my solice, my only safe haven. My reflection is all I really am any more. Like a beditme story that holds the ghouls and goblins that keep you awake at night. In that haven linger my enemies; waiting, watching, patiently waiting for their turn. Tourment of the mind is their game. Each night I will myself to not fall prey to their game, but in the darkest of night I play. I challenge them again and again. I dont know if there is ever a winner, all I know is that they will be back again the next night.

Today is officially one month since he died. Today is officially one month since my world was turned inside out. One month since I lost all direction. On month since, well since everything. I know time is moving forward. I see each new day come. Thing is when I try to remember what day it is, it is still August 4th. I am stuck on repeat in my mind. I dont know how to fix it.

I freaked out yesterday. Serious panick attack. I got my hair cut and colored. I love it. Really am happy with it. It felt so good to have control over something again. I mean all of the things that have happened lately I have no control over. I need control again.

There are several people that have had dreams with him in them lately. In them he seems to be passing messages. In one of them the message was very clear and I need time to see the outcome. My issue is that the fucker never bothers to answer me. I am tired of talking to myself, I am tired of begging and pleading to get just a small sign. At this point I would even take some creepy movie type shit. Static on the phone where i can almost but not really hear him, shit being moved around, a damn smack on the back of the head now and again would be welcome. I may even go for a hand reaching out and grabbing me from under the bed or shadows in the closet if it was just him giving me some acknowledgement. I just want to feel that he is there. I just want to see his face clearly in a dream. I just want to get past this self thrown pity party. I am so tired of it. I am tired of being patient, he knows that is not my strong suit.

One month since the other half of my soul left me empty. Oh and here is a news flash, his memories dont fill the void no matter how wonderful they are.

When the fuck am I going to get a break? I can't keep bending over at the will of whoever or whatever is making this shit up. I mean really I have had my moments in life but seriously who did I screw over so bad that I just can't get a moments reprieve?

So the neighbors behind us are after 2 years of having no issues are suddenly afraid of my dog. Granted since Courtney died he has gone on ubber idiot mode. He is doing his job though. He is our protector and he knows that Courtney is gone so he is now the last guardian of his pack. So he barks and growls when they are right next to the fence. He has even gone so far as to bounce on the fence while growling after they antagonize him by spraying him with water or standing there talking about him for 10 minutes. Scary for them I am sure, but now they have decided I better do something. Well, how bout this; make me. My dog is very socialized. We have a cat that he is afraid of. Really he runs from her on a regular basis. He is very very dog friendly any shape or size. He is great with kids. He is the dog who has never met a stranger, everyone is friend to him. He has all his shots, he is neutered and he is licensed. I refuse to put a shock collar on him to make him afraid to protect his home. This is the point of his existence. He is a companion yes but he is also here to protect myself and our children from percieved danger. do I think he would bite someone who enters our home when we are there, no way. Do I think he will bite someone just for entering our yard with us not home, probably not. Do I think that he will bite if provoked or percieves you as a threat to me or the kids HELL YES. I would then thank him for doing his job. So again they can kiss my ass.

I just want one day where I can relax and enjoy my kids without having to watch for the other shoe to come plummeting down. I just need peace and stability. I need to know my kids are safe. My home is protected. That tommarrow will be better than today. It just never is. My toes are over the edge on that preverbial cliff. The wind is pushing at my back. I want nothing more than to just open my arms and fall. Each time I look back I see my kids and know that they are why I am here. They are my purpose. They are my reason for being. I need to show them that no matter how empty I feel without their dad that we must find a way to heal and not just scab the emotions over.

This weekend was so full yet so empty. Saturday morning was spent watching #1 play his first highschool football scrimmage. Goodness I felt old. It feels like yesterday I was looking for my parents in the stands and now there I am. He was spectacular. Courtney was so excited about him playing. He would sneak out to his practices and watch him. He would grin ear to ear talking about it.

Saturday night was spent with our amazing friends. The boys pitched a fit about going but eventually when it was time for them to go they didnt want to leave. They smiled and played, it was so good to see. My cousin came with me because I was scared. I am still having huge anxiety issues about going places. Thank goodness she was there. I had a moment and she was right there to keep #4 while I bawled in the bathroom for a minute. When I finally got the boys to leave, we dropped off Mel's kids also. She then proceeded to ambush me with the most spectacular gift ever. Ryan had refurbished Courtney's bbq. His cherrished smoker that he never used, lol. They sanded, repainted, restained the wood the works. The best part was they painted Big C's BBQ on it. I fucking bawled like a baby. I cannot possibly express how much that means to me. Fuckers. Back at the party it was great. Then the dancing ensued. I laughed and smiled for real, not just the typical bullshit front I have done so often lately. He would have had so much fun. In my head I could hear him making smartass comments. I could feel him watching me from across the room. It was so easy to pretend like he was there just never in the same room as me.

Sunday off to meet the puppy. He is adorable. He, if you dont know was the one unfinished promise he left to the boys. He and #'s 2 and 3 looked and looked. Well, #3 called me on not finishing what their dad had started so we found the newbie. After several hundred puppies he was it. Then after looking at his info I come to find he was born on the day Courtney passed away. Seems meant to be. He will come home in the next few weeks.

Today was hollow. It was a very typical 3 day weekend for us. The last day is left for yardwork and what nots. For some reason the mundane task of pulling weeds and edging the lawn killed me. I thought of him every second I was out there.I just cant seem to be okay for more than minutes at a time. I am either crying or mad. The mad feels the best but it really is not the best. The mad I get is ugly and it is mean and it really has no bounds. I am not sure how to stop it. I dont want the kids to see or hear me when I am like that. I dont want them to think it is okay to act on that emotion no matter the situation. I have got to get control. But all I really want is to smash someone in the face. I just want to break things until I am to spent to move. I just want to sit in his arms again. I just want to hear his voice say it will be okay.

Lack of sleep is wearing on me. Reality is mixed with random images. I can't seem to see up from down in my memories anymore. It scares me because all I have is memories. I run through things in my mind over and over. Playing them with alternate endings. I am tourturing myself for no good reason. I have mastered the art of bullshit. Okay, let's be honest I had already done that but now it is getting worse. I have people so fooled by the tone of my voice it really is a gift. I can cry without tears. On the rare occasion the tears flow while there are witnesses, I am a jungle animal on the hunt for the nearest exit away from humanity. I have taken to planning my escape from the moment I enter a room.

I am trying to put together a book for the boys that will hopefully have no end. It will include all the notes from the funeral home and obituary. All of the cards and notions we received. The hardest part thus far has been the most important part. I am trying to write down every detail of who their dad was. His favorite food, his favorite t.v. shows, his cologne, the way he sat on the couch. The stories that everyone has shared with us. I want them to have a place they can remember him or learn about him without an audience. Something they can add their own memories or look back in 30 years and say that is where I get this from. It is just so fucking hard. It grates at my soul.

All of the boys have been nothing short of amazing. Kids are such interesting creatures. Things just seem to roll off of them until the slightest breeze stirs up the dust in their mind. The questions are the hardest. I detest having to be honest with myself let alone my babies but they seem to see through my facade each time. Being kids they are more than pleased to call bullshit when needed. So I give them real answers, I dont try to sugar-coat and I don't try to make a joke out of things. If they are comfortable enough to ask then I will give them the respect their dad would have given and give them the truth.

#1 is having a hard time not putting himself into the "man" of the house roll. I refuse to let him become that kid. Courtney would have never stood for it. He is such a good kid. I just see how hurt he is and how he is afraid to show the emotion of it all. My priority is to let him continue on as the child he is. For anyone who feels he should step it up, keep that opinion to yourself unless you want a seriously mentally fragile woman beating the shit out of you.

#2 is angry. Oh he is so angry. He cries and cries and then tries to overcompensate his manhood by lashing out. I figured this would be his way but it hurts to see him in pain. Right now is make or break with him. He is so headstrong, like his dad. If he makes his mind set on being angry at the world I dont know how to help him. His head is run by his heart and his heart is to big for his years.

#3 is just now starting to realize how real this situation is. I think even though he knew his dad was gone he thought somehow, some way he would find his way back to us. He seems to be at a peace within himself. He says if he needs to talk to dad he knows where to find him. I am not sure what that really means but I have a feeling they have had a few talks already.

#4 is doing things by leaps and bounds. All the things his daddy couldnt wait to see. It hurts. He will never have one single picture of his dad doing things with him in his mind. He will only have what we give him and that just isnt good enough. He still wakes up everynight at or around 4. And each Monday since it happened he has woken at exactly 4:09 the time that I woke up that morning. He is letting me put him to bed with much less of a fight. He sees pictures and says dadada. He loves to look at his pictures and smile.

As for me, I try my damndest to ignore the fact that he is gone. I am filling my days with my kids and any meanial task I can find. I am not getting worse but I am not getting better. It physically hurts. I am so tired of being in the middle of doing something and turning around to tell him about it and he's not there. Or the kids do something and I pick up the phone to call him. He was so much a part of me. There were so many plans we had, I want to do them all as a way to be close to him, to remember him but I dont know if I am strong enough. I just want him here to tell me what to do next.

Today marks week 3. I have made it through 3 long, miserable, volitile weeks without him. Funny as these are the 3 weeks that I needed him more than ever. I am having a hard time moving on from that day. I mean each day drags on, each night takes an eternity but somehow in my head it seems like not a day has past since the 4th. I just can't figure it out. Life is moving on and time is passing but that day I am forever to live that day as it happened just moments ago.

Making my blog known has sent me into various states of panic. I go from freaking the hell out, to regretting sharing, wondering if I can still share my raw emotions, being typical me and saying fuck em all.

Today was a day of days. I am trying ot make peace with Courtney's parents in my mind. They are oblivious to how much they have hurt me in the last few weeks. I am trying so hard to hold my tounge but each time we have contact it gets harder.

His dad is a veteran. He has reached the age where he is able to obtain his retirement money. Well he reached that age several years ago but never got around to filing for them. So I took him down to get the ball rolling. Really it was no problem. I like Ed, he tells me stories about his time in service and seems to enjoy my company. He is not the most... personable person since he had his stroke so it is nice to spend time with him. So we finish everything and I am talking to Miriam to let her know all the happenings of the day. We get to talking about Ryan (the brother). He was hoping to be stationed in Germany so he would not have to take another tour in Afganistan. Nope he is going to Alaska, he will not get out of his obligation. Dont get me wrong, I full well understand why he doesnt want to go and why everyone is scared for him. I would be crushed for his family if the untinkable happens and I wish him all of the best even if it hurts to do so, considering. No matter what happens fighting for our country is your obligaion once you join the armed forces. It should not just be a paycheck. So anyhow, Miriam tells me "If it wasnt for Callen being born Ryan wouldnt have to go". WTF? There is some act of war that if you are the last male in the family to carry on the name then said soldier is exempt from combat (think saving private ryan) I understand she is a mother who just lost her son and now runs the risk of losing another but who in the fuck says that about their grandchild. I mean sure I probably took it more harsh and literal than she meant but come on. I lost my husband the father of the child you are questioning. How the hell do you think something like that let alone say it to me? I am so hurt right now. I just want to never speak to them again but I know its not what he would want. So once again I sit bent over a chair. BOHICA.

So yesterday (sunday) was the first football scrimmage for #2 and #3. It is always a long day but normally the time flies. Lots of gabbing with friends and Courtney and I just being dorks in general.

Lets start with 4 a.m. Sunady morning #2 woke me up (I couldnt fall asleep until 3), he says he didnt feel good. A question or two later I called bullshit and sent him to bed. Wake up at 6 a.m. tp get ready and on the road by 8 a.m. for an 11 a.m. game. #2 eats, showers and goof off. Typical morning. No complaints yet... I drop #2 and 3 off to the coach and find a place to park. I am herding #1 and 4 out of the cae and my phone rings. Sure enough #2 threw up, directly in front of the food vendor. Score I am off clean up duty since I was nowhere near the crime scene. I take #2 into the stands with me and he is great. My dad came a bit after us because I was a damn mess having to go to my first game without Courtney. A couple hours later #2 must eat, grandpa gets him chili fucking cheese fries. About an hour after that they re-emerge in the bleachers while we are surrounded. Perfect. I clean them up and clean him up and proceed to freak the fuck out. I am trying so hard to not let anyone see. So now I have the whispers that follow me all practice or game long about being the girl whose husband died but now I have the added bonus of being the girl whose kid puked all over.

I am done. I have tried so hard to fill his role and to fill my own. I cant do it anymore. I am not good enough. If this is to be my life then I dont think I can do it. I can no longer hold my head up. I feel so hollow, all I needed was for him to be there and smile and laugh. Even though I know he would have just pointed and then walked away it still would have been okay. All I needed was after the game for him to hug me and kiss me and say "I love you babe"

and finally

here is the thing that is getting on my nerves the most. If you were a good friend of ours or close family I really dont mind. Thing is if you arent one of the few select mentioned above WHY oh WHY do you need to know how he died? Does it help your grief, no. Does it make you change your lifestyle, no. Does it give you a good laugh to see me break down when I tell the story, maybe. Does it get you off just a little to hear the details of a persons death, yeah probably.

You want the details, you better be damn good and ready for me to give em. I am so fucking tired of sugar coating everything so noone has to go through what I did. I am tired of it. I give everyone the respect to give them the easiest version to them but you cant give me the respect of not making me relive that morning each time you ask. Even if I dont tell you the details, even when I give the simplest answer possible I still see that morning like a movie in my head over and over again.

Then when I give you the anwer you want more. Then you want to get upset and cry and ask even more questions. Fuck off and go watch some stupid cop drama to get your kicks.

I am so tired of re-living it so I have started to give those worthy fucked up answers. Like one of the dumb bitches from the previous post. She asked how it happened, so I told her we had just started banging and bam he was gone. Another girl asked (at the store and I still have no idea who she is) and I told her the same but added in that the seizure was a huge bonus.

I have yet to tell anyone the enitre story and I doubt I ever will. Again if you are a friend who I hold close to my heart and you each know who you are, I will tell you and it wont upset me. If you have a question just ask. It is just these people who seem to be using this as kicks that are going to get the ass end up answers.

So many things to do. I just don't want to do them. I have a million thank-you's to send out and I just can't seem to finish. Literally finding things like scrubbing a toilet to take precidense. I have so much to do legally it is warping my brain. I can't wrap my head around all of this right now. It is noon on Saturday and I have already broken down countless times. I have gone ot an internement for our dear friend who passed in April. I have called to cancel plans with Billy and Carrie. I just want to sit in my bed the rest of the day and cry. I want nothing more than to be alone. I want to feel sorry for myself and not have to worry about who it is upsetting.

Here is a question, why is it after he died all of the girls he has ever banged want to be my friend? I mean really what do you want to compare stories, share some naked pictures, what? Why would I possibly care if you are sad? He didnt give a shit enough to talk to any of you anymore why the fuck would I now that he is gone? Do you really think that he didnt tell me the bullshit you put him through, or the shit he put you through or the fact that you were just an easy lay? We talked about everything. If you are sad then mourn but do it with your friends leave me the fuck alone. I am never going to be your friend, I dont need to be your enemy just leave me alone.

Wednesday

this is going to be a week in review for the next few post. I am just so worn down. This is my only outlet but I just can't drag myself to the computer to let everything out.

My final appointment with Social Security was at 3:00. I had a friends little boy with me but really no biggie. I took the double stroller and the boys just chilled. That is until I get to the door and see the notice saying they had moved their damn office. So back in the car we go and race across town. Out of the car again and now they are a bit pissy. Extra kid fell asleep (gotta love him) and #4 was happy as a clam as long as I was steadily shoving food down his throat.

The worker and I go through everything for #4 to receive his monthly money. Done, he is cleared and ready to go. We begin to talk about me. After all the proof I have that Courtney was my sole means of income. Showing tax records, signed documents, joint accounts, lenth of relationship. That was it zip-zero nada. The worker must have said it 10 times that I don't count for anything since we never legally married or registered with the state. Oh but if I was gay then it wouldnt matter. I asked her if the fact that I was at that very moment taking it up the ass from her counted towards the gay credit. She was not ammused. So it boils down to the $1500 am month that I should be entitled to the state keeps and gives to the fuckers who abuse the system. Oh what a country we live in.

By the end of all that I was so done. I just can't hear one more mother loving person tell me i dont count as his wife. I am now nothing to him because we used our time together our way instead of rushing to get married. We spent time loving each other and being there for our kids so because we made the choice to get married later rather than sooner, I am fucked. The best part is I am nothing to him when it involves paying me but the second someone is looking for a bill to be paid they try to bully me into paying. It is after all my obligation to him. Well guess what fockers, until I am legally recognized f the hell off.

I was doing so well. I have managed to not cry infront of anyone since Saturday. I have managed to have a few talks with Courtney and not break down.

Today #4 decided to climb onto the couch all on his own. His first time. We have waited so long for this little stunt man to climb. Courtney couldn't wait. My first thought was to grab the phone and call him. Then I lost it. This was the first thing that #4 has done without his daddy there to witness. This is a milestone that I couldnt share. I just dont know what to do. It was like a knife in my heart.

If I cant make it through something as small as climbing a couch what am I going to do when it really matters. Who is going to teach them all he would have? Soon enough #2 and #3 are going to need to start shaving, that was his job. Who is going to teach #4 to tie his shoes? I swear to you my kids were all 3 wearing velcro until he came home. It took him 1 day to teach them.

2 steps forward 10 steps back. Problem is there is a cliff right behind me and I am so close to falling.

The day Courtney died the chaplan gave me a few different papers and what nots to read through and guide me in my what to do next. One of the papers was something he had written about the stages of grief and what to expect. I skimmed it the next day. In it was a section on how your friends will deal with you in the event of your spouse passing. It caught me off guard because it said to seek out new friends. I thought how dumb, I need my friends, our friends. Not the case at all.

I am starting to see that as much as people want to be there for the kids and I they cant. Everytime they see us they expect to see him. Being at our house or being around us is like salt in the wound. I even had one friend say that he cant look at me. It hurt but not in an offensive way. It hurt in the way that I know these people that I love so dearly are going to wane from my life. I know that to ease their pain this is what they will need to do but it hurts. I dont want to lose the people that remind me of him the most. I see him in them and it is like losing him all over again when I think about them leaving.

Yesterday was another day of questions from the boys. They seem to go in spurts. My kids sure do ask the hard ones. And they really don't like the round about answers, they want nothing but the facts.
So we are sitting watching t.v. and out of nowhere #2 says "so do we have to find a new dad now"? I tell him of course not. Their dad was in love with them before they ever met. He chose to be their dad and while they have their "uncles", grandpa and friends they will always have their dad even though he is gone. Then #3 says something about me being old and alone. I tell him that is okay. I love their dad and in my heart we are married and I would have never dated while he was here so I am not interested in dating now. I told them who knows about the future, I surely dont. If I ever do date it would not for one moment mean that I dont still love their dad because I will love him and cherrish him until the day I die. We talk about a few more little things then BAM #2 has another toughie. He says, so this means #4 will never call anyone dad? I say no. He will call dad his dad. It is true that he will never have a physical person to call his dad but that is why we need to tell him the stories and keep dad fresh in all of our minds so that #4 knows him the way we did. His response, that sucks and its not fair. I tell him of course it's not fair but that is our lives and we have to make the best of it.

It has been a few days since my last post. I sit at the computer several times a day and try to figure out a way to have enough courage to post. I am so worried to post my real thoughts and feelings. I worry that the wrong person will be offended. I worry that the wrong person will misunderstand what I am trying to say. I am so tired of having to consider other peoples feelings. It is all I seem to do know.

The last few days have been full of trying to put things in order. Change names on bank accounts, move names on titles, figure out how in the hell I am going to keep our kids in their home and still pay the bills. How can I possibly work, care for 4 children, keep a home, get them to and from all their activities, care for all their pets and grieve. Grieving takes the most out of me and I just am not given a chance to. The moment I get to sit with my thoughts is the moment someone calls and wants something. They want to talk about their loss or to get me to talk about my loss and damnit I dont want to. I want to think my feelings through. I sat and watched the love of my life die for god's sake. Alot of the things going through my mind I need to sort through. The details of everything that happened and that have come about in the aftermath are my burden to bear and there is noone that should have to deal with it but me. Then on the other hand I want the phone to ring. If it does than I dont have to deal with my thoughts and I can just concentrate on them.

Agan with the "your so strong" comments. No I am not. I am a mess, I see things in my head that I am not sure are real anymore, I think about things that I know I shouldnt. If I get even a second where the tears can flow without the kids seeing, flow they do. I am not strong, I was strong but only because Courtney made me strong, he made me believe in him, myself and us. Without him I am just a false front to make others feel better.

His family. Dont get me wrong I do love his parents even if they do drive me batty at times. We always included them into our lives. Courtney would drop everything on a moments notice when they asked. I know how much his parents love him. But right now I just want to scream at them to open their eyes. His brother (the exact opposite of Courtney) is here. He has inserted himself as the golden child. He is buying Miriam a new stove. Amazing and great she really needed it. His wife cleaned the kitchen and wow did that make her amazing. I have tired to clean that kitchen and have been told no I cant tell you how many times. Courtney and I stripped the walls in the kitchen and painted, removed and replaced the old light fixture and started refinishing the cabnits. No we never finished but life got in the way. Yes we should have and yes we were wrong to not but damn with everything else he did for them I did not see the issue. Well none of these things were ever recognized. His brother's wife were hear at Christmas and never lifted a finger or mentioned it. His brother has only come home what 3 times in 6 years this being the third. But now that Courtney has died, we are scum for letting them live like that. Bullshit. I am so sick of hearing how great Ryan and his family are. Courtney and I have done so much for them and his brother decides that now 20 some odd years after he took off and never looked back that he is putting his foot down. I am pissed. Ryan wants to sit and talk about my finances tonight. hahaha I told him sure come on over. I plan on letting him know that my money never has been and never will be his damn buisness. Also that Saturday when he leaves things will be the same as before, his parents need something they will call me not him and he can go on and pretend they dont exist except for the occasional phone call or the once every 2 year visit.

his obituary

here is his obituary. I just need to share it, I dont know that anyone but me will ever read this but just in case I want them to get just the smallest snippet of who Courtney is, who he was.

Courtney ---- ----, beloved father, cherished husband, honorable son and loyal friend passed away suddenly Monday, Aug. 4, 2008.Courtney was born Oct. 30, 1972, and was raised in ----. At the age of 11, he began Judo instruction. It quickly became his passion. At the age of 16, Courtney received his black belt. Then he found his love of cars. He enjoyed all makes and models — the older or faster, the better. Anyone who knew him knows his heart is with the Mustang. To this day he still owns his infamous white Mustang. He has so many wonderful times with his friends in that car.
Courtney is a 1990 graduate of ---- High School. After graduation he worked various jobs until he found his niche with the Plumbers and Pipefitters Union Local ---. He completed his five-year apprenticeship and received his journeyman card. While taking leave from the union Courtney entered the United States Army. Courtney completed basic training and advanced infantry training at Fort Benning, Ga. He then completed Airborne School. He was assigned to the 82nd Airborne Division - Bravo Company 2nd of the 505th Parachute Infantry Regiment. The remainder of his service allowed him many good times and wonderful adventures, including a deployment to Egypt.Courtney received numerous awards and citations during his service. These included the Army Achievement medal, the National Defense Service medal, the Army service ribbon, multinational Force and Observers medal, the Expert Marksmanship badge, the Parachutist badge and the German Parachutist badge.
After completion of his full term of service, Courtney received an honorable discharge and returned to ----. He immediately returned to the Plumbers and Pipefitters Union, Local ---, to continue his work as a journeyman. He worked on many large-scale jobs, such as the Budweiser plant in Fairfield, Genentech Pharmaceutical in Vacaville and Kaiser Permanente in Vacaville just to name a few. Courtney was a valued brother in his union until his passing.Courtney found immense happiness in his friends. He was the vigilant host. He loved to host gatherings, sitting and reminiscing of times past and making new memories each time. He had a gift for maintaining friendships for many years and those were the most important to him. A house full of friends and family is what he loved the most.
Courtney was a man true to his family and a mamma’s boy until the end. He cherished his mother and father and was always ready if they needed him. He truly enjoyed his time with them. Courtney was an amazing and loving father. He took so much pride in all of his boys. He attended every school function, every football practice and each game. He loved to pick out the little things and say, “They get that from me.”Courtney is survived by his mother, Miriam ---- and father, Edward ----. He is also survived by his wife of the heart, Vicki -------; his children, Victor -------, Jonathan -------, Deyton ------- and Callen ----; his brother, Ryan ---- and sister-in-law, Kenia ----; his nieces, Kyrie and Nichole; his cousin and best friend, Greg -----, and many aunts, uncles and cousins.

the end of the circus, the start of a new reality

Sunday at 5:30 p.m. was the start of Courtney's viewing. It was horrific. My dad took me. I asked him to have the room cleared so I could be with Courtney alone. I didnt know what I would say but I knew I needed it. So the room was cleared. I went in and now I have yet another image burned into my mind that I want nothing more than to forget. That person, was not him. It bore a slight, distant resemblance but was not him. Nothing was right. His head was not shaved, it was not shaped right. His coloring was way off, his hands looked dirty. He looked out of proportion. His gotee was tucked into his shirt. I gave them 3 different pictures just of his gotee so they could get it right. I gave him his judo black belt. It was a request of his mothers. I gave him airborne patches. I broke down and cried. I just felt so wrong. I left and did not return to that room. I sat outside with our friends. Many of them did not even enter the building. I tried to go in and sit several times but I never made it past the reception area. I could not even bring myself to look into the viewing room. Of course his mother sat in there the entire time. Though from several comments from friends that did enter, she was more into chit-chatting than focusing on Courtney. We all grieve differently and I dont want to dimean her loss but damnit how can you laugh and smile and talk about anything but him while he lies cold and wrong 2 feet away from you. The things that several friends gave to him finally made me smile and think about what a wonderful man he was. He received a lotto scratcher (I bet that damn thing is his big winner too), a bottle of bacardi, a shot glass the rest escapes me but those are the things he was, the things he is. I went to sleep early that night but again it was fitfull.

Monday 10:30 a.m. was the start of the funeral service. I did every possible thing in my power to avoid going. Our house was full of people waiting on me and my guilt finally pushed me out the door in just enough time to be late. I just couldnt stand the thought of facing everyone. I was a blubbering fool the entire mass. The scripture readings were so special and I am not a spiritual person. They spoke of he and I and I think even he would have approved. When his brother and his friend Mike spoke it killed me. It hurt so much like my heart was being ripped out again. Courtney was in the army, he is a veteran. They do not do veteran services in the church any longer now that we have a military cemetary close by. Our friend Wayne had his step father who once performed military services perform taps and he graciously presented me with a flag. It was amazing. Then the tears stopped. Once I stepped out of the church they just stopped. I couldnt cry anymore. People swarmed our house and it was just as he would have wanted it. The tears found me here and there but mostly I put on the face of content and played host. I later told Billy it hurt so much made me feel so hollow but really if I had just broken down like I wanted how would the day have ended? Noone would have made it through I would not have heard even half the new stories I heard.

Tuesday 11:30 was the internment. His full bore military resting place. They presented the boys with the flag from the service. They presented his parents with a second. He was honored with taps again. They took his ashes and when they put him in the ground, Billy, BJ and Wayne all took their souls out of their chests and they completed his burial. They covered him with the dirt, they brought him full circle. This gave me a sence of peace, a sliver of it will be okay, a notion that Courtney is still here. It was fleeting as we came home to an empty house. It is so hollow without him. Now is the time of night where we would all sit around and gabber about random non-sensical things. The time when he and I would let the boys all run wild so we could have a minute to ourselves. The time when we would put in notions of where we would be or what we wanted in the future. Now there is nothing. Just quite, just my thoughts. I try to keep the boys in mind and not dwell in my misery but now that the nothing of my future is fully upon me it is getting harder and harder.

a stab at normalcy

I hate doing the things we did together. I hate doing anything that he didnt want to do. I cant bare the thought of moving on with my life. It hurts so much to not have him there. The kids are the only reason I even get out of bed. They need to move on, they need to be allowed to live.

Last night was our town fair. The start of the destruction derby. Courtney took the boys to this every year, both days. They are kids a fair in a small town is a big deal to them. They asked to go so I put on my smiley face and said yes. I mean really what else could I do. Family and friends rallied around us. His cousin came with the boys and I. Courtney's parents and brothers family came and so many friends. It was so good for the boys. #4 loved it. All I could think about was how proud Courtney would have been. He wanted a down and dirty boy and we have that for sure. Not one loud noise, yucky smell, nothing bothered him, he laughed and pointed and loved it. #1, #2 and #3 smiled and laughed and were carefree kids again. I even had a few real smiles after a few tears.

After the derby, off to the rides we went. #1 was off to be a menacing teen with his friends and that was okay. #2 and #3 had a friends with them and all of them had a blast taking #4 on rides. The funny thing was #4 loved it. That kid was afraid of nothing, well until we put him on the roller coaster. He was having a good ol time until the last spin, then he lost it. It killed me. Courtney and I had talked about taking him to the fair so often. We had bets on what he would like and what he wouldnt. It is just not fair, all these plans we made are shit now.

We focused so much on the day to day. But we always always made plans for our future. How we would act, who we would still be friends with, where we would live, where we would travel. We were living for our future and now there is none. He was supposed to be here for me to grow old with. He was supposed to protect me and our kids. Now I am sitting wondering if I can save their home, if I can raise 4 kids on my own. Oh and the world is suddenly filled with couples. All I want, the thing I would give up everything for is to be in his arms again and everywhere I turn there are smiling happy couples. It is like salt in the wound.