I have spent the weekend reflecting. Not in the typical sit and think way but the way of doing. The one and only person who may understand what some have deemed inappropriate conduct as of late Melissa, came and kicked major ass decorating the yard. We put everything out, did some webbing and drank some beers. This was Courtney's thing. He loved to make it appear that Halloween had vomited all over our house. He would spend hours tweeking and adjusting. His dream was to one day have enough to do a haunted house. This required the cutsie things out front for all to enjoy but he wanted to eventually have enough decorations to spill the ghastly gorey things into the backyard. Someday, I just may try to keep that hope alive. Anyway, I have dreaded doing this. Touching all the things he touched last. Wondering should everything go where he had it or find it a new place. Would I even be able to do it? Melissa made it perfect. I smiled real smiles and everything just fell ito place. It is the one thing that has gone flawless since he died.
Saturday was girls night. My first night out of the house with no kids and no agenda other than to relax and enjoy some of the funniest girls around. This was rough. So many things involved. My own anxieties and insecurities were at a head. There were a few bumps in this road but all in all it was good. I laughed and laughed. I didnt worry about what others were saying. I was prepared and was able to enjoy. I was thrown when the parents of #3's best friend were there. They are an amazing couple and they were there on a "date". That hurt. Alot. I fell hard. My damn heel got caught in the deck and I landed so hard that I ripped a hole in pants I have only worn once. Fucking shit. I came home with mints an ass load of mints because Judi is a theif and filled all of our purses. It was good. It was a lesson for me though. I have taken to leaving without telling anyone. This is a bad thing. I need to stop but the feeling is so overwhelming I can't even explain. I seriously could have gotten myself in a bad spot that night and am damn lucky I didnt.
Life has become more challenging then i ever thought possible. Those who I thought would be our friends to the end are gone. There are whispers of them but they are few and far between. Those who came and went have become my rocks. Those who I have found through this years agony are the ones that I cherish the most. Some family has shocked and amazed me with their callous attitude and some have shown what family really is. There are so many promises that were made, so many good intentions that were empty words. It is okay though because the clarity that his death has brought has been my saving grace many times. Courtney and I talked so many times about who we thought would be there with us old and grey and I am so proud to see that we were right. Maybe just maybe this means that some of the other things we played fortune teller with will come true.