Sunday, October 5, 2008

Guilt. It is the emotion that I have encountered lately. Grief is overwhelming. Anger is emcompassing. But guilt is the emotion that will overtake you every cell. It will take you to a deep dark place that is swathed in the notions of what ifs. Guilt will touch every single thing you do. It will engulf every aspect of your life.

My guilt is drowning me. Please dont bother to give me the obligatory "it's not your fault lines" they really are pointless. The only thing they do is bring on more guilt for writing this blog and letting you see the raw emotions. My guilt is over everything. Guilt for not doing more while he was here. Why didnt we go on more vacations, why did we not indulge the whims we came up with? Why did I bitch at him for the little insugnifigant things like taking out the garbage or putting clothes in the hamper? Why did I not notice something was wrong? How could I not see it. Why did I not beg him to stay home on Sunday? Why did I not stay awake until he fell asleep? Why did I not hold him longer before I went to sleep, why did I not kiss him like it would be our last? Why did I not keep him awake with my incesent yammerings? How did I not wake up before it happened? Why didnt I call 911 sooner? Why couldnt I do more? Why didnt I go in the ambulance with him? Why?

There is no way to get away from these thoughts. They have absorbed who I am, they have taken me over. As much as I want to do away with them I dont. I feel like the pain that my guilt puts forth is what I deserve. I cant have the bliss he gave me so now I have the pain.

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