Monday, October 27, 2008

It is coming way to fast this year. His birthday is looming over our house. Usually it is such a great time. We are all busy busy decorating and planning for Halloween. This year I can hardley get the kids in the spirit. They are so down. They are still going through the motions but I can just see them getting sadder and sadder. We talk about him and share stories but they just end every conversation with we miss him so much. I just dont know how to help them. I have no idea how to prepare them for christmas. Hell, I dont know how to prepare them for the rest of their lives without him. They have been slipping up more and talking about when they do this or that what Dad will say or do. I see in their eyes that moment of clarity and it is like a knife in the heart. You can see just how much it hurts. You can see they light leave their eyes.

This is when I get angry. These kids didnt deserve this. I dont deserve this. Courtney doesnt deserve this. We found happiness, we found where we belonged in life. We found the truest meaning of love. Now how do I show my kids that they need to have faith that they will each be okay? How do I show them that they shouldnt be afraid of life? I cant even convince myself.


Carmen said...


I hope that you and the boys will be able to enjoy Courtney's birthday as best you can.

I know I never knew him, but I think he would want those he loves most to party it up in his honor.

saya said...

It seems entirely impossible now but you guys will adjust.

When my dad died we were all a little clueless as to what we supposed to be doing. Everything seemed totally surreal, unreal.

Honestly the only thing that helped? We moved. We moved into a new house and started a new life. It may sound fucked up but the only way to move along is to move along.

It doesn't take the pain away but it will help if you start from the ground up.

hang in there lady.

I'll be there this week! wednesday afternoon. be there