Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Who the fuck are you to come around and judge me for finding a moments happiness? Who the fuck are you to judge the fact that I get out of bed and most days get dressed? Who the fuck are you to question how I manage to be with friends and think about all the good and not the bad?

Every fucking moment of my life is consumed by what is missing from it. Can you for one second really think that me being with people I care about makes me a bad person? Fuck off. I clearly don't grieve like you. Oh hell, I have never done anything in my life like the typical fucking airheads you date. I pride myself in the fact that I am stronger than that. Courtney loved me for that.

I had just made it to a happy place and what do ya know, you fuck it all up. Question myself, question the way others see me. I am not going to do this to my kids or myself. I won't be the girl who wears black and sits in the corner with my cats for the rest of my life. Honestly I don't like cats.

I am me, take it or leave it. I will find peace again. I have no idea if that will be in the next day or not for another 20 years but I will find it. No matter where my life takes me Courtney will always be there in the center of it. Don't for one second take that for granted. I know in my heart that if the positions were reversed he would be feeling and doing the exact same things. He would not bury his head in the sand until "you" say it was time to live again. I won't either.

So bottom line is you can take me on the good days and the bad or you can take your self-righteous, pretentious bullshit, better than the rest, secretly self loathing, always looking for the spot light ass and move the fuck on.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Last night was Metallica. Leading up to go time for leaving I was freaking the fuck out. Melanie and Kristi were both vigalante in their attempts to relax me. The more they tried the more I freaked. I wanted to go, I wanted to enjoy myself. I wanted to be me again. I cleaned the house. I went and ran errands. I took a chill pill (happy Melissa?) and cuddled up with Cal on the couch and passed the fuck out. I did anything and everything to make sure that I would not get ready and go. Sure enough, I get the final are you getting ready phone call. Thank goodness because it is the only reason I woke up, lol. I got ready. I packed the obligatory tailgater ice chest. Dropped the kids off. I made it to the house to pick everyone up. The second I pulled in the driveway I knew it was going to be a great night. All of my anxiety washed away. I had so much fun. It was like I was me again. None of the hurt, none of the anger. I laughed and smiled genuine smiles. I missed having Courtney there but I was okay knowing that he was gone. This simple concert was a huge step in me feeling like there is an end to all of this. The road is long and for this one great night, there will be many many bad nights but this was good. This was what I needed. I love you guys for pulling me out of my comfort zone and I thank you! For now, for this short moment in time I am ready for what is next. Good or bad.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

I have come to realize that in my grief I have become a really shitty friend. I think there are a few of you who have tried to get me to see this but I am that stubborn to just ignore it.

I try to make plans but chances are I will weasel my way out of them. Unless of course they are at my house. Bottom line is I have some real anxiety about leaving my house. Doing the everyday errands are okay but leaving to go out and enjoy myself is hard. I am so afraid to leave and forget one single detail of our life together. There is so much guilt I feel having the ability to leave when he can't. What right do I have to enjoy what should have been our life together when he won't. I know this is not healthy but I am so so torn. This is one of the main reasons I have turned into such a horrid friend.

Then of course there is the inevitable disappearing act. If I do leave the house I have a tendency to get worked up and panic. Instead of being a normal person and let others see this I bolt. I vow to not do this anymore as the last time was a real wake up in how dangerous this habit is becoming.

I don't answer the phone. Chances are I am avoiding having to answer the barrage of questions. Then I don't return the call because then there are just more questions.

Now here is the favorite go to. If I do talk and interact there is a very damn good chance that our entire conversation was led by me bullshitting you into talking about anything and everything to do with the state of affairs in my life. Deflection is the name of the game. I really have gotten good at this. Even when you know I am doing it, you fall for it.

There are the people in my life that like I said in the previous post I am ready to close that door. Then there are the friends that I am here to apologize to. There are so many friends that have done so much for the boys and I. There are just no words to explain how sorry I am. I have been selfish and unkind. My grief and self loathing has left me on an island alone. I know it is wrong and I am trying to fix it but please be patient. I foresee this going on for some time because on this island there is no raft. There is no easy fix. You are all welcome to visit but leaving this place is something I need to do on my own. This is the journey, I must take to find my peace in life. I hope that if I find a way home than some of you will still be there.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

I need motivation. There is this voice I can hear in the back of my head but it is quiet no more than a whisper. It is urging me to get back to the grind to bring stability into our lives. I fear that unless it grows louder I am just going to continue on this path of self sabatoge.

I feel like such a hypocrite for living my life right now in the opposite way I strive to teach my boys.
Always do what makes you happy.
Live for that sake of living not for the sake of others opinions.
Strive for more.
Cherish what you have not what you have lost.

Such simple things to do are now so agonizing. I am trying though. I need to wrap my head around him being gone. I have denied myself that. I know I have talked about it before but I think that once I do that I can return to being me. I need to take all of the memories I re-play in my head each day and find a way to see them how they made me happy, not how they make me sad. I need to find that control over this monster that is eating my soul. I swear if you mention drugs one more time I will punch you in your whoreish face, Saya. If I can find my footing then I will look at drugs to keep my hold but you know me. I am way to much of a stubborn hag to admit I need help yet.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Okay in general I am angry. In general I am angry at nothing and everything all at the same time. There really is no way to put a finger on the anger yet. Well, now I do have something. This blog isn't going to be light hearted. It isn't going to be nice. This isn't referring to one person, it is about several of you. If you think it is about you chances are it is and if your feelings are hurt well, I really could give a shit right now.

First off, if you know me you know that I will go to extreme lengths to protect my kids. They always have been my reason for living. I am absolutely overprotective. So know that this is about your actions toward them and me not letting it slide any longer.

Secondly, I know that we are all in pain. We all lost Courtney. We all hurt to see his things, to go places where we have memories of him. I know that seeing the kids and I are like salt in the wound. I have said it before I understand.

Finally, know that you are an adult. Your loss, my loss none of that is anything compared to the loss my kids have endured. Don't forget for one second that as much as it hurts you it hurts them much much worse.

Okay now read this with an open mind and make you decision on how to proceed from here. I will tell you that 100% I am ready to cut my losses and walk the fuck away. I won't continue to see hurt in my kids eyes when they speak of you or the way things were before.

So before Courtney passed away our house was a gathering place. Dinners, bbq's, movie nights, stop by for a minute that type of thing. Almost every weekend there was something going on at someone's house, the kids would usually come for a bit and then home they went. If they didn't come they knew where we were and who we were with. This was how it WAS up until the day he died.

My kids have been way down lately. We talk about it but I can never really get the whole story. I know there is something missing. Well, finally #1 fesses up. Then 2 and 3 chime in. They are upset because there are people used to come around and are now gone. These same people made my kids promises at the funeral and in the weeks after that no matter what they would be here for them. They weren't going anywhere and if they needed anything all the boys had to do was say something. Guess what you selfish fucks, the kids notice that you are gone. Nowhere to be found. They ask about you and I give them the obligatory story. Do I understand that everything has changed, yes. Do I understand that life gets in the way? Yes. Do I understand how you can make a promise to a child who just had their heart ripped out and then not follow through? Not at all.

They actually said that they feel that those people who are now just voices in the wind were only really there for Dad. Never for them. Can you step out of your grief for one moment and look at this from a child's eyes? I am so angry that some of the people that we held closest to our hearts, that we trusted with our kids have been the ones to hurts us the most. I am so angry that aside from their own hurt feelings they are hurting for me because they see me as being left behind by these individuals also. I am so pissed that my kids are worrying about me and I know that as angry as I am at these people I am angry at myself for letting my kids take that on. Could I stop them from taking that emotion, could I stop them from caring , no. It really is just so much pain dealt that I don't think is being done intentionally but nonetheless being done.

I can say that for the several of you that have failed miserably as friends there have been others who have gone above and beyond. Those who really have helped me keep my faith in what a friend really is. The ones who I have been lived the odd parallel lives with who I should have been closer to long ago but for some strange reason wasn't. The ones who I can go for months on end of no contact but the moment I need them they send a stupid note or find the most inappropriate thing to make me smile. The ones who live in other states and countries. Those are the ones who don't bother with the empty promises. Those are the ones that don't let their grief hinder them but they let us heal together.

We all grieve in different ways. We all live our lives. We all move in different paths in life. All of that is okay that is the nature of being who we are but never forget the ones who meant the most to you. Never forget that moving on doesn't mean forgetting. Ignoring doesn't mean healing.