Tuesday, December 9, 2008

I have come to realize that in my grief I have become a really shitty friend. I think there are a few of you who have tried to get me to see this but I am that stubborn to just ignore it.

I try to make plans but chances are I will weasel my way out of them. Unless of course they are at my house. Bottom line is I have some real anxiety about leaving my house. Doing the everyday errands are okay but leaving to go out and enjoy myself is hard. I am so afraid to leave and forget one single detail of our life together. There is so much guilt I feel having the ability to leave when he can't. What right do I have to enjoy what should have been our life together when he won't. I know this is not healthy but I am so so torn. This is one of the main reasons I have turned into such a horrid friend.

Then of course there is the inevitable disappearing act. If I do leave the house I have a tendency to get worked up and panic. Instead of being a normal person and let others see this I bolt. I vow to not do this anymore as the last time was a real wake up in how dangerous this habit is becoming.

I don't answer the phone. Chances are I am avoiding having to answer the barrage of questions. Then I don't return the call because then there are just more questions.

Now here is the favorite go to. If I do talk and interact there is a very damn good chance that our entire conversation was led by me bullshitting you into talking about anything and everything to do with the state of affairs in my life. Deflection is the name of the game. I really have gotten good at this. Even when you know I am doing it, you fall for it.

There are the people in my life that like I said in the previous post I am ready to close that door. Then there are the friends that I am here to apologize to. There are so many friends that have done so much for the boys and I. There are just no words to explain how sorry I am. I have been selfish and unkind. My grief and self loathing has left me on an island alone. I know it is wrong and I am trying to fix it but please be patient. I foresee this going on for some time because on this island there is no raft. There is no easy fix. You are all welcome to visit but leaving this place is something I need to do on my own. This is the journey, I must take to find my peace in life. I hope that if I find a way home than some of you will still be there.


saya said...

i'm a jerk too.

between the two of us I think we should just get walkie talkies to make random rude remarks and tell fat jokes through.

Melanie said...

OMG! I read this today before I started making fun of your disappearing act...I only got to that paragraph before I commented, so I may comment again.

YOU WILL NOT DISAPPEAR AT METALLICA. YOU WILL SIT AND HEADBANG WITH ME AND KRISTI!! LOL. And you know what, Courtney would really enjoy making fun of me and Kristi being total drunks. So instead of worrying about him not being able to go...go and represent him. Make fun of us. I will never forget (even though I was drunk) when I left your house on Aug. 2nd taking 'my' bottle of Captain and looking at Courtney to make sure it was ok...And his eyes were just like, it's okay you drunken little fool, I'll remember this and get that bottle back. LOL. So go and be Courtney.
But don't friggin leave ASS!

melanie- again!!! said...

one more...hail to the Queen of Deflection.
One day I aspire to be so f*en slick. assface!

STACI said...

What ever it is you need to do to live your life and make it ok for you and the boys right now is okay... The people that love you and care about your family understand. When the time is right you will find your way out again and the people that hold you close to there heart will still be here waiting for you.