Thursday, December 4, 2008

I need motivation. There is this voice I can hear in the back of my head but it is quiet no more than a whisper. It is urging me to get back to the grind to bring stability into our lives. I fear that unless it grows louder I am just going to continue on this path of self sabatoge.

I feel like such a hypocrite for living my life right now in the opposite way I strive to teach my boys.
Always do what makes you happy.
Live for that sake of living not for the sake of others opinions.
Strive for more.
Cherish what you have not what you have lost.

Such simple things to do are now so agonizing. I am trying though. I need to wrap my head around him being gone. I have denied myself that. I know I have talked about it before but I think that once I do that I can return to being me. I need to take all of the memories I re-play in my head each day and find a way to see them how they made me happy, not how they make me sad. I need to find that control over this monster that is eating my soul. I swear if you mention drugs one more time I will punch you in your whoreish face, Saya. If I can find my footing then I will look at drugs to keep my hold but you know me. I am way to much of a stubborn hag to admit I need help yet.

3 comments:

melanie said...

I am just gonna say....
This is progress. Really, I've been waiting for you to say, instead of "looking" at your memories and being saddened by them...remember how damn happy they made you. But still, it's early...there's nothing wrong with taking some time, but you're right about the boys...you need to cherish what you have too...I like talking in fragmented sentences before I have my first cup of coffee...I think you should take drugs too. I think I really want you to call me a whoreish fag too....

Carmen said...

Take it one day at a time, momma.

saya said...

Progress!

yes I agree. It isn't easy though, it's not supposed to be and now that the shock and surrealism is starting to wear off you should...



TAKE DRUGS.

haha, hag. I'm coming over tomorrow to help you decorate