Thursday, August 28, 2008

Lack of sleep is wearing on me. Reality is mixed with random images. I can't seem to see up from down in my memories anymore. It scares me because all I have is memories. I run through things in my mind over and over. Playing them with alternate endings. I am tourturing myself for no good reason. I have mastered the art of bullshit. Okay, let's be honest I had already done that but now it is getting worse. I have people so fooled by the tone of my voice it really is a gift. I can cry without tears. On the rare occasion the tears flow while there are witnesses, I am a jungle animal on the hunt for the nearest exit away from humanity. I have taken to planning my escape from the moment I enter a room.

I am trying to put together a book for the boys that will hopefully have no end. It will include all the notes from the funeral home and obituary. All of the cards and notions we received. The hardest part thus far has been the most important part. I am trying to write down every detail of who their dad was. His favorite food, his favorite t.v. shows, his cologne, the way he sat on the couch. The stories that everyone has shared with us. I want them to have a place they can remember him or learn about him without an audience. Something they can add their own memories or look back in 30 years and say that is where I get this from. It is just so fucking hard. It grates at my soul.

All of the boys have been nothing short of amazing. Kids are such interesting creatures. Things just seem to roll off of them until the slightest breeze stirs up the dust in their mind. The questions are the hardest. I detest having to be honest with myself let alone my babies but they seem to see through my facade each time. Being kids they are more than pleased to call bullshit when needed. So I give them real answers, I dont try to sugar-coat and I don't try to make a joke out of things. If they are comfortable enough to ask then I will give them the respect their dad would have given and give them the truth.

#1 is having a hard time not putting himself into the "man" of the house roll. I refuse to let him become that kid. Courtney would have never stood for it. He is such a good kid. I just see how hurt he is and how he is afraid to show the emotion of it all. My priority is to let him continue on as the child he is. For anyone who feels he should step it up, keep that opinion to yourself unless you want a seriously mentally fragile woman beating the shit out of you.

#2 is angry. Oh he is so angry. He cries and cries and then tries to overcompensate his manhood by lashing out. I figured this would be his way but it hurts to see him in pain. Right now is make or break with him. He is so headstrong, like his dad. If he makes his mind set on being angry at the world I dont know how to help him. His head is run by his heart and his heart is to big for his years.

#3 is just now starting to realize how real this situation is. I think even though he knew his dad was gone he thought somehow, some way he would find his way back to us. He seems to be at a peace within himself. He says if he needs to talk to dad he knows where to find him. I am not sure what that really means but I have a feeling they have had a few talks already.

#4 is doing things by leaps and bounds. All the things his daddy couldnt wait to see. It hurts. He will never have one single picture of his dad doing things with him in his mind. He will only have what we give him and that just isnt good enough. He still wakes up everynight at or around 4. And each Monday since it happened he has woken at exactly 4:09 the time that I woke up that morning. He is letting me put him to bed with much less of a fight. He sees pictures and says dadada. He loves to look at his pictures and smile.

As for me, I try my damndest to ignore the fact that he is gone. I am filling my days with my kids and any meanial task I can find. I am not getting worse but I am not getting better. It physically hurts. I am so tired of being in the middle of doing something and turning around to tell him about it and he's not there. Or the kids do something and I pick up the phone to call him. He was so much a part of me. There were so many plans we had, I want to do them all as a way to be close to him, to remember him but I dont know if I am strong enough. I just want him here to tell me what to do next.

Monday, August 25, 2008

Today marks week 3. I have made it through 3 long, miserable, volitile weeks without him. Funny as these are the 3 weeks that I needed him more than ever. I am having a hard time moving on from that day. I mean each day drags on, each night takes an eternity but somehow in my head it seems like not a day has past since the 4th. I just can't figure it out. Life is moving on and time is passing but that day I am forever to live that day as it happened just moments ago.

Making my blog known has sent me into various states of panic. I go from freaking the hell out, to regretting sharing, wondering if I can still share my raw emotions, being typical me and saying fuck em all.

Today was a day of days. I am trying ot make peace with Courtney's parents in my mind. They are oblivious to how much they have hurt me in the last few weeks. I am trying so hard to hold my tounge but each time we have contact it gets harder.

His dad is a veteran. He has reached the age where he is able to obtain his retirement money. Well he reached that age several years ago but never got around to filing for them. So I took him down to get the ball rolling. Really it was no problem. I like Ed, he tells me stories about his time in service and seems to enjoy my company. He is not the most... personable person since he had his stroke so it is nice to spend time with him. So we finish everything and I am talking to Miriam to let her know all the happenings of the day. We get to talking about Ryan (the brother). He was hoping to be stationed in Germany so he would not have to take another tour in Afganistan. Nope he is going to Alaska, he will not get out of his obligation. Dont get me wrong, I full well understand why he doesnt want to go and why everyone is scared for him. I would be crushed for his family if the untinkable happens and I wish him all of the best even if it hurts to do so, considering. No matter what happens fighting for our country is your obligaion once you join the armed forces. It should not just be a paycheck. So anyhow, Miriam tells me "If it wasnt for Callen being born Ryan wouldnt have to go". WTF? There is some act of war that if you are the last male in the family to carry on the name then said soldier is exempt from combat (think saving private ryan) I understand she is a mother who just lost her son and now runs the risk of losing another but who in the fuck says that about their grandchild. I mean sure I probably took it more harsh and literal than she meant but come on. I lost my husband the father of the child you are questioning. How the hell do you think something like that let alone say it to me? I am so hurt right now. I just want to never speak to them again but I know its not what he would want. So once again I sit bent over a chair. BOHICA.
So yesterday (sunday) was the first football scrimmage for #2 and #3. It is always a long day but normally the time flies. Lots of gabbing with friends and Courtney and I just being dorks in general.

Lets start with 4 a.m. Sunady morning #2 woke me up (I couldnt fall asleep until 3), he says he didnt feel good. A question or two later I called bullshit and sent him to bed. Wake up at 6 a.m. tp get ready and on the road by 8 a.m. for an 11 a.m. game. #2 eats, showers and goof off. Typical morning. No complaints yet... I drop #2 and 3 off to the coach and find a place to park. I am herding #1 and 4 out of the cae and my phone rings. Sure enough #2 threw up, directly in front of the food vendor. Score I am off clean up duty since I was nowhere near the crime scene. I take #2 into the stands with me and he is great. My dad came a bit after us because I was a damn mess having to go to my first game without Courtney. A couple hours later #2 must eat, grandpa gets him chili fucking cheese fries. About an hour after that they re-emerge in the bleachers while we are surrounded. Perfect. I clean them up and clean him up and proceed to freak the fuck out. I am trying so hard to not let anyone see. So now I have the whispers that follow me all practice or game long about being the girl whose husband died but now I have the added bonus of being the girl whose kid puked all over.

I am done. I have tried so hard to fill his role and to fill my own. I cant do it anymore. I am not good enough. If this is to be my life then I dont think I can do it. I can no longer hold my head up. I feel so hollow, all I needed was for him to be there and smile and laugh. Even though I know he would have just pointed and then walked away it still would have been okay. All I needed was after the game for him to hug me and kiss me and say "I love you babe"

Saturday, August 23, 2008

and finally

here is the thing that is getting on my nerves the most. If you were a good friend of ours or close family I really dont mind. Thing is if you arent one of the few select mentioned above WHY oh WHY do you need to know how he died? Does it help your grief, no. Does it make you change your lifestyle, no. Does it give you a good laugh to see me break down when I tell the story, maybe. Does it get you off just a little to hear the details of a persons death, yeah probably.

You want the details, you better be damn good and ready for me to give em. I am so fucking tired of sugar coating everything so noone has to go through what I did. I am tired of it. I give everyone the respect to give them the easiest version to them but you cant give me the respect of not making me relive that morning each time you ask. Even if I dont tell you the details, even when I give the simplest answer possible I still see that morning like a movie in my head over and over again.

Then when I give you the anwer you want more. Then you want to get upset and cry and ask even more questions. Fuck off and go watch some stupid cop drama to get your kicks.

I am so tired of re-living it so I have started to give those worthy fucked up answers. Like one of the dumb bitches from the previous post. She asked how it happened, so I told her we had just started banging and bam he was gone. Another girl asked (at the store and I still have no idea who she is) and I told her the same but added in that the seizure was a huge bonus.

I have yet to tell anyone the enitre story and I doubt I ever will. Again if you are a friend who I hold close to my heart and you each know who you are, I will tell you and it wont upset me. If you have a question just ask. It is just these people who seem to be using this as kicks that are going to get the ass end up answers.
So many things to do. I just don't want to do them. I have a million thank-you's to send out and I just can't seem to finish. Literally finding things like scrubbing a toilet to take precidense. I have so much to do legally it is warping my brain. I can't wrap my head around all of this right now. It is noon on Saturday and I have already broken down countless times. I have gone ot an internement for our dear friend who passed in April. I have called to cancel plans with Billy and Carrie. I just want to sit in my bed the rest of the day and cry. I want nothing more than to be alone. I want to feel sorry for myself and not have to worry about who it is upsetting.

Here is a question, why is it after he died all of the girls he has ever banged want to be my friend? I mean really what do you want to compare stories, share some naked pictures, what? Why would I possibly care if you are sad? He didnt give a shit enough to talk to any of you anymore why the fuck would I now that he is gone? Do you really think that he didnt tell me the bullshit you put him through, or the shit he put you through or the fact that you were just an easy lay? We talked about everything. If you are sad then mourn but do it with your friends leave me the fuck alone. I am never going to be your friend, I dont need to be your enemy just leave me alone.


this is going to be a week in review for the next few post. I am just so worn down. This is my only outlet but I just can't drag myself to the computer to let everything out.

My final appointment with Social Security was at 3:00. I had a friends little boy with me but really no biggie. I took the double stroller and the boys just chilled. That is until I get to the door and see the notice saying they had moved their damn office. So back in the car we go and race across town. Out of the car again and now they are a bit pissy. Extra kid fell asleep (gotta love him) and #4 was happy as a clam as long as I was steadily shoving food down his throat.

The worker and I go through everything for #4 to receive his monthly money. Done, he is cleared and ready to go. We begin to talk about me. After all the proof I have that Courtney was my sole means of income. Showing tax records, signed documents, joint accounts, lenth of relationship. That was it zip-zero nada. The worker must have said it 10 times that I don't count for anything since we never legally married or registered with the state. Oh but if I was gay then it wouldnt matter. I asked her if the fact that I was at that very moment taking it up the ass from her counted towards the gay credit. She was not ammused. So it boils down to the $1500 am month that I should be entitled to the state keeps and gives to the fuckers who abuse the system. Oh what a country we live in.

By the end of all that I was so done. I just can't hear one more mother loving person tell me i dont count as his wife. I am now nothing to him because we used our time together our way instead of rushing to get married. We spent time loving each other and being there for our kids so because we made the choice to get married later rather than sooner, I am fucked. The best part is I am nothing to him when it involves paying me but the second someone is looking for a bill to be paid they try to bully me into paying. It is after all my obligation to him. Well guess what fockers, until I am legally recognized f the hell off.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

I was doing so well. I have managed to not cry infront of anyone since Saturday. I have managed to have a few talks with Courtney and not break down.

Today #4 decided to climb onto the couch all on his own. His first time. We have waited so long for this little stunt man to climb. Courtney couldn't wait. My first thought was to grab the phone and call him. Then I lost it. This was the first thing that #4 has done without his daddy there to witness. This is a milestone that I couldnt share. I just dont know what to do. It was like a knife in my heart.

If I cant make it through something as small as climbing a couch what am I going to do when it really matters. Who is going to teach them all he would have? Soon enough #2 and #3 are going to need to start shaving, that was his job. Who is going to teach #4 to tie his shoes? I swear to you my kids were all 3 wearing velcro until he came home. It took him 1 day to teach them.

2 steps forward 10 steps back. Problem is there is a cliff right behind me and I am so close to falling.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

The day Courtney died the chaplan gave me a few different papers and what nots to read through and guide me in my what to do next. One of the papers was something he had written about the stages of grief and what to expect. I skimmed it the next day. In it was a section on how your friends will deal with you in the event of your spouse passing. It caught me off guard because it said to seek out new friends. I thought how dumb, I need my friends, our friends. Not the case at all.

I am starting to see that as much as people want to be there for the kids and I they cant. Everytime they see us they expect to see him. Being at our house or being around us is like salt in the wound. I even had one friend say that he cant look at me. It hurt but not in an offensive way. It hurt in the way that I know these people that I love so dearly are going to wane from my life. I know that to ease their pain this is what they will need to do but it hurts. I dont want to lose the people that remind me of him the most. I see him in them and it is like losing him all over again when I think about them leaving.

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Yesterday was another day of questions from the boys. They seem to go in spurts. My kids sure do ask the hard ones. And they really don't like the round about answers, they want nothing but the facts.
So we are sitting watching t.v. and out of nowhere #2 says "so do we have to find a new dad now"? I tell him of course not. Their dad was in love with them before they ever met. He chose to be their dad and while they have their "uncles", grandpa and friends they will always have their dad even though he is gone. Then #3 says something about me being old and alone. I tell him that is okay. I love their dad and in my heart we are married and I would have never dated while he was here so I am not interested in dating now. I told them who knows about the future, I surely dont. If I ever do date it would not for one moment mean that I dont still love their dad because I will love him and cherrish him until the day I die. We talk about a few more little things then BAM #2 has another toughie. He says, so this means #4 will never call anyone dad? I say no. He will call dad his dad. It is true that he will never have a physical person to call his dad but that is why we need to tell him the stories and keep dad fresh in all of our minds so that #4 knows him the way we did. His response, that sucks and its not fair. I tell him of course it's not fair but that is our lives and we have to make the best of it.

Friday, August 15, 2008

It has been a few days since my last post. I sit at the computer several times a day and try to figure out a way to have enough courage to post. I am so worried to post my real thoughts and feelings. I worry that the wrong person will be offended. I worry that the wrong person will misunderstand what I am trying to say. I am so tired of having to consider other peoples feelings. It is all I seem to do know.

The last few days have been full of trying to put things in order. Change names on bank accounts, move names on titles, figure out how in the hell I am going to keep our kids in their home and still pay the bills. How can I possibly work, care for 4 children, keep a home, get them to and from all their activities, care for all their pets and grieve. Grieving takes the most out of me and I just am not given a chance to. The moment I get to sit with my thoughts is the moment someone calls and wants something. They want to talk about their loss or to get me to talk about my loss and damnit I dont want to. I want to think my feelings through. I sat and watched the love of my life die for god's sake. Alot of the things going through my mind I need to sort through. The details of everything that happened and that have come about in the aftermath are my burden to bear and there is noone that should have to deal with it but me. Then on the other hand I want the phone to ring. If it does than I dont have to deal with my thoughts and I can just concentrate on them.

Agan with the "your so strong" comments. No I am not. I am a mess, I see things in my head that I am not sure are real anymore, I think about things that I know I shouldnt. If I get even a second where the tears can flow without the kids seeing, flow they do. I am not strong, I was strong but only because Courtney made me strong, he made me believe in him, myself and us. Without him I am just a false front to make others feel better.

His family. Dont get me wrong I do love his parents even if they do drive me batty at times. We always included them into our lives. Courtney would drop everything on a moments notice when they asked. I know how much his parents love him. But right now I just want to scream at them to open their eyes. His brother (the exact opposite of Courtney) is here. He has inserted himself as the golden child. He is buying Miriam a new stove. Amazing and great she really needed it. His wife cleaned the kitchen and wow did that make her amazing. I have tired to clean that kitchen and have been told no I cant tell you how many times. Courtney and I stripped the walls in the kitchen and painted, removed and replaced the old light fixture and started refinishing the cabnits. No we never finished but life got in the way. Yes we should have and yes we were wrong to not but damn with everything else he did for them I did not see the issue. Well none of these things were ever recognized. His brother's wife were hear at Christmas and never lifted a finger or mentioned it. His brother has only come home what 3 times in 6 years this being the third. But now that Courtney has died, we are scum for letting them live like that. Bullshit. I am so sick of hearing how great Ryan and his family are. Courtney and I have done so much for them and his brother decides that now 20 some odd years after he took off and never looked back that he is putting his foot down. I am pissed. Ryan wants to sit and talk about my finances tonight. hahaha I told him sure come on over. I plan on letting him know that my money never has been and never will be his damn buisness. Also that Saturday when he leaves things will be the same as before, his parents need something they will call me not him and he can go on and pretend they dont exist except for the occasional phone call or the once every 2 year visit.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

his obituary

here is his obituary. I just need to share it, I dont know that anyone but me will ever read this but just in case I want them to get just the smallest snippet of who Courtney is, who he was.

Courtney ---- ----, beloved father, cherished husband, honorable son and loyal friend passed away suddenly Monday, Aug. 4, 2008.Courtney was born Oct. 30, 1972, and was raised in ----. At the age of 11, he began Judo instruction. It quickly became his passion. At the age of 16, Courtney received his black belt. Then he found his love of cars. He enjoyed all makes and models — the older or faster, the better. Anyone who knew him knows his heart is with the Mustang. To this day he still owns his infamous white Mustang. He has so many wonderful times with his friends in that car.
Courtney is a 1990 graduate of ---- High School. After graduation he worked various jobs until he found his niche with the Plumbers and Pipefitters Union Local ---. He completed his five-year apprenticeship and received his journeyman card. While taking leave from the union Courtney entered the United States Army. Courtney completed basic training and advanced infantry training at Fort Benning, Ga. He then completed Airborne School. He was assigned to the 82nd Airborne Division - Bravo Company 2nd of the 505th Parachute Infantry Regiment. The remainder of his service allowed him many good times and wonderful adventures, including a deployment to Egypt.Courtney received numerous awards and citations during his service. These included the Army Achievement medal, the National Defense Service medal, the Army service ribbon, multinational Force and Observers medal, the Expert Marksmanship badge, the Parachutist badge and the German Parachutist badge.
After completion of his full term of service, Courtney received an honorable discharge and returned to ----. He immediately returned to the Plumbers and Pipefitters Union, Local ---, to continue his work as a journeyman. He worked on many large-scale jobs, such as the Budweiser plant in Fairfield, Genentech Pharmaceutical in Vacaville and Kaiser Permanente in Vacaville just to name a few. Courtney was a valued brother in his union until his passing.Courtney found immense happiness in his friends. He was the vigilant host. He loved to host gatherings, sitting and reminiscing of times past and making new memories each time. He had a gift for maintaining friendships for many years and those were the most important to him. A house full of friends and family is what he loved the most.
Courtney was a man true to his family and a mamma’s boy until the end. He cherished his mother and father and was always ready if they needed him. He truly enjoyed his time with them. Courtney was an amazing and loving father. He took so much pride in all of his boys. He attended every school function, every football practice and each game. He loved to pick out the little things and say, “They get that from me.”Courtney is survived by his mother, Miriam ---- and father, Edward ----. He is also survived by his wife of the heart, Vicki -------; his children, Victor -------, Jonathan -------, Deyton ------- and Callen ----; his brother, Ryan ---- and sister-in-law, Kenia ----; his nieces, Kyrie and Nichole; his cousin and best friend, Greg -----, and many aunts, uncles and cousins.

the end of the circus, the start of a new reality

Sunday at 5:30 p.m. was the start of Courtney's viewing. It was horrific. My dad took me. I asked him to have the room cleared so I could be with Courtney alone. I didnt know what I would say but I knew I needed it. So the room was cleared. I went in and now I have yet another image burned into my mind that I want nothing more than to forget. That person, was not him. It bore a slight, distant resemblance but was not him. Nothing was right. His head was not shaved, it was not shaped right. His coloring was way off, his hands looked dirty. He looked out of proportion. His gotee was tucked into his shirt. I gave them 3 different pictures just of his gotee so they could get it right. I gave him his judo black belt. It was a request of his mothers. I gave him airborne patches. I broke down and cried. I just felt so wrong. I left and did not return to that room. I sat outside with our friends. Many of them did not even enter the building. I tried to go in and sit several times but I never made it past the reception area. I could not even bring myself to look into the viewing room. Of course his mother sat in there the entire time. Though from several comments from friends that did enter, she was more into chit-chatting than focusing on Courtney. We all grieve differently and I dont want to dimean her loss but damnit how can you laugh and smile and talk about anything but him while he lies cold and wrong 2 feet away from you. The things that several friends gave to him finally made me smile and think about what a wonderful man he was. He received a lotto scratcher (I bet that damn thing is his big winner too), a bottle of bacardi, a shot glass the rest escapes me but those are the things he was, the things he is. I went to sleep early that night but again it was fitfull.

Monday 10:30 a.m. was the start of the funeral service. I did every possible thing in my power to avoid going. Our house was full of people waiting on me and my guilt finally pushed me out the door in just enough time to be late. I just couldnt stand the thought of facing everyone. I was a blubbering fool the entire mass. The scripture readings were so special and I am not a spiritual person. They spoke of he and I and I think even he would have approved. When his brother and his friend Mike spoke it killed me. It hurt so much like my heart was being ripped out again. Courtney was in the army, he is a veteran. They do not do veteran services in the church any longer now that we have a military cemetary close by. Our friend Wayne had his step father who once performed military services perform taps and he graciously presented me with a flag. It was amazing. Then the tears stopped. Once I stepped out of the church they just stopped. I couldnt cry anymore. People swarmed our house and it was just as he would have wanted it. The tears found me here and there but mostly I put on the face of content and played host. I later told Billy it hurt so much made me feel so hollow but really if I had just broken down like I wanted how would the day have ended? Noone would have made it through I would not have heard even half the new stories I heard.

Tuesday 11:30 was the internment. His full bore military resting place. They presented the boys with the flag from the service. They presented his parents with a second. He was honored with taps again. They took his ashes and when they put him in the ground, Billy, BJ and Wayne all took their souls out of their chests and they completed his burial. They covered him with the dirt, they brought him full circle. This gave me a sence of peace, a sliver of it will be okay, a notion that Courtney is still here. It was fleeting as we came home to an empty house. It is so hollow without him. Now is the time of night where we would all sit around and gabber about random non-sensical things. The time when he and I would let the boys all run wild so we could have a minute to ourselves. The time when we would put in notions of where we would be or what we wanted in the future. Now there is nothing. Just quite, just my thoughts. I try to keep the boys in mind and not dwell in my misery but now that the nothing of my future is fully upon me it is getting harder and harder.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

a stab at normalcy

I hate doing the things we did together. I hate doing anything that he didnt want to do. I cant bare the thought of moving on with my life. It hurts so much to not have him there. The kids are the only reason I even get out of bed. They need to move on, they need to be allowed to live.

Last night was our town fair. The start of the destruction derby. Courtney took the boys to this every year, both days. They are kids a fair in a small town is a big deal to them. They asked to go so I put on my smiley face and said yes. I mean really what else could I do. Family and friends rallied around us. His cousin came with the boys and I. Courtney's parents and brothers family came and so many friends. It was so good for the boys. #4 loved it. All I could think about was how proud Courtney would have been. He wanted a down and dirty boy and we have that for sure. Not one loud noise, yucky smell, nothing bothered him, he laughed and pointed and loved it. #1, #2 and #3 smiled and laughed and were carefree kids again. I even had a few real smiles after a few tears.

After the derby, off to the rides we went. #1 was off to be a menacing teen with his friends and that was okay. #2 and #3 had a friends with them and all of them had a blast taking #4 on rides. The funny thing was #4 loved it. That kid was afraid of nothing, well until we put him on the roller coaster. He was having a good ol time until the last spin, then he lost it. It killed me. Courtney and I had talked about taking him to the fair so often. We had bets on what he would like and what he wouldnt. It is just not fair, all these plans we made are shit now.

We focused so much on the day to day. But we always always made plans for our future. How we would act, who we would still be friends with, where we would live, where we would travel. We were living for our future and now there is none. He was supposed to be here for me to grow old with. He was supposed to protect me and our kids. Now I am sitting wondering if I can save their home, if I can raise 4 kids on my own. Oh and the world is suddenly filled with couples. All I want, the thing I would give up everything for is to be in his arms again and everywhere I turn there are smiling happy couples. It is like salt in the wound.

Saturday, August 9, 2008

The reason

Monday August 4, 2008 the love of my life died. He name is Courtney ---- ----. A man that women dream about, by no means was he perfect but that is what made him perfect for me. A man who took on 3 children who were not his by blood. He raised those kids from day 1 as if they were his own. He cherised the day our family added yet another child. He kidded about having yet another, now I wonder if I had said yes would we be 7? Family and friends were the basis of his life. Hosting BBQ's, bacardi and cokes, camping and quiet nights at home. These were the things he lived for. He completes me, I fit perfectly in his arms, the slightest touch from him always calmed me. I never had to make a decision without him, he never did without me. We had grown into each other. We were nothing without each other.

I have no outlet. I need an outlet. The thoughts racing in my mind are ruining me. I can't stop the thoughts. I have many many people who have offered to listen, to be there. Honestly I don't want to burden them with the darkness in my head. I don't know the road this blog will take but I hope it will help me to remember him, to deal with this crushing loss. I just hope that anyone who reads this does not take things personally. If I ever had a notion, I would share it with Courtney and now he is gone I need a place to escape and I hope this is it. As I said I dont know where this will lead, an open letter to him, a journey of healing, a spiral of dispare. Just a warning so please dont hold anything you read against me.