a stab at normalcy

I hate doing the things we did together. I hate doing anything that he didnt want to do. I cant bare the thought of moving on with my life. It hurts so much to not have him there. The kids are the only reason I even get out of bed. They need to move on, they need to be allowed to live.

Last night was our town fair. The start of the destruction derby. Courtney took the boys to this every year, both days. They are kids a fair in a small town is a big deal to them. They asked to go so I put on my smiley face and said yes. I mean really what else could I do. Family and friends rallied around us. His cousin came with the boys and I. Courtney's parents and brothers family came and so many friends. It was so good for the boys. #4 loved it. All I could think about was how proud Courtney would have been. He wanted a down and dirty boy and we have that for sure. Not one loud noise, yucky smell, nothing bothered him, he laughed and pointed and loved it. #1, #2 and #3 smiled and laughed and were carefree kids again. I even had a few real smiles after a few tears.

After the derby, off to the rides we went. #1 was off to be a menacing teen with his friends and that was okay. #2 and #3 had a friends with them and all of them had a blast taking #4 on rides. The funny thing was #4 loved it. That kid was afraid of nothing, well until we put him on the roller coaster. He was having a good ol time until the last spin, then he lost it. It killed me. Courtney and I had talked about taking him to the fair so often. We had bets on what he would like and what he wouldnt. It is just not fair, all these plans we made are shit now.

We focused so much on the day to day. But we always always made plans for our future. How we would act, who we would still be friends with, where we would live, where we would travel. We were living for our future and now there is none. He was supposed to be here for me to grow old with. He was supposed to protect me and our kids. Now I am sitting wondering if I can save their home, if I can raise 4 kids on my own. Oh and the world is suddenly filled with couples. All I want, the thing I would give up everything for is to be in his arms again and everywhere I turn there are smiling happy couples. It is like salt in the wound.