The day Courtney died the chaplan gave me a few different papers and what nots to read through and guide me in my what to do next. One of the papers was something he had written about the stages of grief and what to expect. I skimmed it the next day. In it was a section on how your friends will deal with you in the event of your spouse passing. It caught me off guard because it said to seek out new friends. I thought how dumb, I need my friends, our friends. Not the case at all.

I am starting to see that as much as people want to be there for the kids and I they cant. Everytime they see us they expect to see him. Being at our house or being around us is like salt in the wound. I even had one friend say that he cant look at me. It hurt but not in an offensive way. It hurt in the way that I know these people that I love so dearly are going to wane from my life. I know that to ease their pain this is what they will need to do but it hurts. I dont want to lose the people that remind me of him the most. I see him in them and it is like losing him all over again when I think about them leaving.