Friday, August 15, 2008

It has been a few days since my last post. I sit at the computer several times a day and try to figure out a way to have enough courage to post. I am so worried to post my real thoughts and feelings. I worry that the wrong person will be offended. I worry that the wrong person will misunderstand what I am trying to say. I am so tired of having to consider other peoples feelings. It is all I seem to do know.

The last few days have been full of trying to put things in order. Change names on bank accounts, move names on titles, figure out how in the hell I am going to keep our kids in their home and still pay the bills. How can I possibly work, care for 4 children, keep a home, get them to and from all their activities, care for all their pets and grieve. Grieving takes the most out of me and I just am not given a chance to. The moment I get to sit with my thoughts is the moment someone calls and wants something. They want to talk about their loss or to get me to talk about my loss and damnit I dont want to. I want to think my feelings through. I sat and watched the love of my life die for god's sake. Alot of the things going through my mind I need to sort through. The details of everything that happened and that have come about in the aftermath are my burden to bear and there is noone that should have to deal with it but me. Then on the other hand I want the phone to ring. If it does than I dont have to deal with my thoughts and I can just concentrate on them.

Agan with the "your so strong" comments. No I am not. I am a mess, I see things in my head that I am not sure are real anymore, I think about things that I know I shouldnt. If I get even a second where the tears can flow without the kids seeing, flow they do. I am not strong, I was strong but only because Courtney made me strong, he made me believe in him, myself and us. Without him I am just a false front to make others feel better.

His family. Dont get me wrong I do love his parents even if they do drive me batty at times. We always included them into our lives. Courtney would drop everything on a moments notice when they asked. I know how much his parents love him. But right now I just want to scream at them to open their eyes. His brother (the exact opposite of Courtney) is here. He has inserted himself as the golden child. He is buying Miriam a new stove. Amazing and great she really needed it. His wife cleaned the kitchen and wow did that make her amazing. I have tired to clean that kitchen and have been told no I cant tell you how many times. Courtney and I stripped the walls in the kitchen and painted, removed and replaced the old light fixture and started refinishing the cabnits. No we never finished but life got in the way. Yes we should have and yes we were wrong to not but damn with everything else he did for them I did not see the issue. Well none of these things were ever recognized. His brother's wife were hear at Christmas and never lifted a finger or mentioned it. His brother has only come home what 3 times in 6 years this being the third. But now that Courtney has died, we are scum for letting them live like that. Bullshit. I am so sick of hearing how great Ryan and his family are. Courtney and I have done so much for them and his brother decides that now 20 some odd years after he took off and never looked back that he is putting his foot down. I am pissed. Ryan wants to sit and talk about my finances tonight. hahaha I told him sure come on over. I plan on letting him know that my money never has been and never will be his damn buisness. Also that Saturday when he leaves things will be the same as before, his parents need something they will call me not him and he can go on and pretend they dont exist except for the occasional phone call or the once every 2 year visit.

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