Saturday, August 9, 2008

The reason

Monday August 4, 2008 the love of my life died. He name is Courtney ---- ----. A man that women dream about, by no means was he perfect but that is what made him perfect for me. A man who took on 3 children who were not his by blood. He raised those kids from day 1 as if they were his own. He cherised the day our family added yet another child. He kidded about having yet another, now I wonder if I had said yes would we be 7? Family and friends were the basis of his life. Hosting BBQ's, bacardi and cokes, camping and quiet nights at home. These were the things he lived for. He completes me, I fit perfectly in his arms, the slightest touch from him always calmed me. I never had to make a decision without him, he never did without me. We had grown into each other. We were nothing without each other.

I have no outlet. I need an outlet. The thoughts racing in my mind are ruining me. I can't stop the thoughts. I have many many people who have offered to listen, to be there. Honestly I don't want to burden them with the darkness in my head. I don't know the road this blog will take but I hope it will help me to remember him, to deal with this crushing loss. I just hope that anyone who reads this does not take things personally. If I ever had a notion, I would share it with Courtney and now he is gone I need a place to escape and I hope this is it. As I said I dont know where this will lead, an open letter to him, a journey of healing, a spiral of dispare. Just a warning so please dont hold anything you read against me.

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