Monday, October 27, 2008

It is coming way to fast this year. His birthday is looming over our house. Usually it is such a great time. We are all busy busy decorating and planning for Halloween. This year I can hardley get the kids in the spirit. They are so down. They are still going through the motions but I can just see them getting sadder and sadder. We talk about him and share stories but they just end every conversation with we miss him so much. I just dont know how to help them. I have no idea how to prepare them for christmas. Hell, I dont know how to prepare them for the rest of their lives without him. They have been slipping up more and talking about when they do this or that what Dad will say or do. I see in their eyes that moment of clarity and it is like a knife in the heart. You can see just how much it hurts. You can see they light leave their eyes.

This is when I get angry. These kids didnt deserve this. I dont deserve this. Courtney doesnt deserve this. We found happiness, we found where we belonged in life. We found the truest meaning of love. Now how do I show my kids that they need to have faith that they will each be okay? How do I show them that they shouldnt be afraid of life? I cant even convince myself.

Friday, October 24, 2008

It feels like forever since I have posted. I just can't seem to put myself in the frame of mind to make my thoughts clear. It seems to me the more time passes the harder this is getting. The more I can't repress my emotions. The more I can't play nice with the rest of humanity. Everyday that goes by is one more that he isnt here. The days are adding up and it hurts. I think that in some ways I may just now be starting to really grieve. I mean I miss him every moment, I think of what should have been, I play those wretched pictures in my mind. I have never and will never stop talking about him and including his name in my conversations but it is really starting to hurt to hear others talk about him. Then if people don't I get mad. I am just so confussed. I can't get my head above the waves, I am not drowning just fighting day in and day out. I am so tired of fighting. I want to just cry and cry until there are no more tears but they just keep falling. I want to sleep the day away but the kids keep me moving. I just hurt and there is nothing more I can do about it. I ignore things and they come back, I deal with things and more is brought in their place. I just dont know which way to turn right now.

Friday, October 17, 2008

Time is relative in my world now. I know my list of things that need competion each day. I know what extras need to be done out of the norm on each day. I know who to pick up and where on each day. The issue lies within all of that. Each day is just a day. Time seems to have become a number on the clock. Time in my world is not moving forward. Each day that passes doesnt change where my mind is in time. My mind is stuck on the day Courtney died. I know time is moving, I know people are moving, I just can't bring myself to get past that morning. I have let so many things go. Unless something is slapping me in the face I just ignore it unless it has to do with getting done that day. For example, #3's birthday is on Sunday. I know his birthday is coming. I know that I need to keep with the traditions that we have made as a family. I want to do something special for him becasue this is his first birthday without his dad. This is our first "holiday" without him. Have I done anything? No. Have I organized anything? No. Have I even bought presents? No. I feel that the moment I do then I will have to face the fact that this is our life , he is gone and it is up to me to give them everything the same as it was before. My own demons are being brought into the light and I just dont know what to do with them. My chils will have a great birthday because that is what he needs, that is what we all need but it hurts so much to do it without him.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Do you feel it? The bite in the air today. The slight breeze that holds menacing whispers. The voices there are so many of them. They are all trying to break free, to tell us their secrets. The calm. There are no birds, there are no unseen creatures scurrying about in the bushes, there are not the clicks and clacks of the squirrels. There is nothing, they feel it, they listen, they see the signs. It is there waiting, building, empowering itself. It's reach can be unending, it can sneak into the placss you thought you had blocked out for good. Do you feel it? It is looking to take hold. It can be whatever it chooses, I think the course of where it takes us is not decided until it is here staring each of us in the face. Strength is what you need to fight it, to make it bend to your will. What do you do if you cant fight, cant resist. Do you sit and wait for the inevitable? If you stop for just a moment you can feel it caress. If you run it will find you, if you stand you ground it will suffocate you. There is no mercy for the weak, there is no reward for the strong. It is all around me right now. I can feel it coming this time. I don't know where I will be thrown this time. I don't know what will become of me or my family this time. I can feel it. Change. Change is on the wind, it is in every breath I take. I know it is coming and I am scared. I can feel it in every cell of my body. I have seen it in the dark, I have felt it in the light. It is here waiting and watching. Change.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Courtney was an ordained minister. This came about one night when Staci and BJ were talking about their wedding. We joked that he should marry them. So I went online, typed in his name, clicked OK and bada bing he can officially run a church, start a religion or marry our friends. Honestly it was ridiculously easy. I even paid 5 or 10 dollars for the extra certificate. This then led to us asking Rick to marry us. We followed the same procedure just without the extra certificate. Courtney was so excited to see what sorted anecdote Rick would come up with for the day. (Untold wedding detail - Rick was the only person who was to have a part in the wedding besides the boys. As much as there were others that we love, we were not going to have attendants.) I don't even know how it happened but Courtney began calling himself our "direct link to God". Pretty fucking funny because he even used that line in the ceremony. He loved to call himself that. Everyone did. But now it has taken on a new meaning. This has kept my mind racing all night. Was it in some way his premonition? Was this his way of knowing without realizing that soon he would literally become this persona? This brings in the whole afterlife discussion, which my feelings may or may not be swaying. I have spent countless hours wondering if there is an afterlife. Are ghosts real? If so are they those in our lives that have died or something different? Now neither he nor I are religious, we certainly have faith but in "God" I don't know. Our beliefs are in no way traditional or organized they are what they are but is he now there with whoever it is in charge? Is he putting in a word to improve the "plan" laid out for each of us? I am not looking for a discussion or an opinion just talking out loud. I just wonder was this his warning that none of us not even he saw?

Monday, October 13, 2008

I have spent the weekend reflecting. Not in the typical sit and think way but the way of doing. The one and only person who may understand what some have deemed inappropriate conduct as of late Melissa, came and kicked major ass decorating the yard. We put everything out, did some webbing and drank some beers. This was Courtney's thing. He loved to make it appear that Halloween had vomited all over our house. He would spend hours tweeking and adjusting. His dream was to one day have enough to do a haunted house. This required the cutsie things out front for all to enjoy but he wanted to eventually have enough decorations to spill the ghastly gorey things into the backyard. Someday, I just may try to keep that hope alive. Anyway, I have dreaded doing this. Touching all the things he touched last. Wondering should everything go where he had it or find it a new place. Would I even be able to do it? Melissa made it perfect. I smiled real smiles and everything just fell ito place. It is the one thing that has gone flawless since he died.

Saturday was girls night. My first night out of the house with no kids and no agenda other than to relax and enjoy some of the funniest girls around. This was rough. So many things involved. My own anxieties and insecurities were at a head. There were a few bumps in this road but all in all it was good. I laughed and laughed. I didnt worry about what others were saying. I was prepared and was able to enjoy. I was thrown when the parents of #3's best friend were there. They are an amazing couple and they were there on a "date". That hurt. Alot. I fell hard. My damn heel got caught in the deck and I landed so hard that I ripped a hole in pants I have only worn once. Fucking shit. I came home with mints an ass load of mints because Judi is a theif and filled all of our purses. It was good. It was a lesson for me though. I have taken to leaving without telling anyone. This is a bad thing. I need to stop but the feeling is so overwhelming I can't even explain. I seriously could have gotten myself in a bad spot that night and am damn lucky I didnt.

Life has become more challenging then i ever thought possible. Those who I thought would be our friends to the end are gone. There are whispers of them but they are few and far between. Those who came and went have become my rocks. Those who I have found through this years agony are the ones that I cherish the most. Some family has shocked and amazed me with their callous attitude and some have shown what family really is. There are so many promises that were made, so many good intentions that were empty words. It is okay though because the clarity that his death has brought has been my saving grace many times. Courtney and I talked so many times about who we thought would be there with us old and grey and I am so proud to see that we were right. Maybe just maybe this means that some of the other things we played fortune teller with will come true.

Monday, October 6, 2008

I did it. My post yesterday gave me the courage to finally face my bed alone. No clothes, no baby. Okay the puppy still slept with me but damnit he freezes at night alone in his crate. I did not sleep until late. It was a fitfull sleep. It was a deep slumber. It was a night full of panicky moments that brought me straight out of bed. It made me realize how alone we are. Courtney was our protector. He made me feel so safe. I am that girl who would hear a noise and run outside when he was here but now I am scared of every shadow. I cant stop my mind from racing. I close all windows, lock all the doors, curtains battened down against the unknown. If I hear a menacing noise, I torture myself until I go to check it. I bring Louie to attention knowing that it really is a 50/50 chance on wether he will do his job and protect or turn tail and run. I have debated with myself several times over and over today about what to do. I wont let the kids feed off this paranoia. They have enough to deal with my bogus fear will not be their burden. I am sure in time I will grab hold of these fears and squash them but until then I will hope the boogey man will stay at bay.

Now as for sleeping alone it was completly as I expected. Everything I said above but the dreams are back. Fleeting bits and pieces non coherent mumbo jumbo. I dont remember what they were but I know they were there. I hope that soon I will see his face, I will feel the memory of his touch, I will see the future that was robbed from me. That is what dreams are glimpses of what could have been, what should have been and that is what I need so desperatley.

Sunday, October 5, 2008

Guilt. It is the emotion that I have encountered lately. Grief is overwhelming. Anger is emcompassing. But guilt is the emotion that will overtake you every cell. It will take you to a deep dark place that is swathed in the notions of what ifs. Guilt will touch every single thing you do. It will engulf every aspect of your life.

My guilt is drowning me. Please dont bother to give me the obligatory "it's not your fault lines" they really are pointless. The only thing they do is bring on more guilt for writing this blog and letting you see the raw emotions. My guilt is over everything. Guilt for not doing more while he was here. Why didnt we go on more vacations, why did we not indulge the whims we came up with? Why did I bitch at him for the little insugnifigant things like taking out the garbage or putting clothes in the hamper? Why did I not notice something was wrong? How could I not see it. Why did I not beg him to stay home on Sunday? Why did I not stay awake until he fell asleep? Why did I not hold him longer before I went to sleep, why did I not kiss him like it would be our last? Why did I not keep him awake with my incesent yammerings? How did I not wake up before it happened? Why didnt I call 911 sooner? Why couldnt I do more? Why didnt I go in the ambulance with him? Why?

There is no way to get away from these thoughts. They have absorbed who I am, they have taken me over. As much as I want to do away with them I dont. I feel like the pain that my guilt puts forth is what I deserve. I cant have the bliss he gave me so now I have the pain.

Friday, October 3, 2008

Just because I know you are wondering. The laundry sits just like it has for the last 2 months. I was infact bullshitting myself. I am just not there yet.

The biggest step I have taken in acknowledging Courtney is gone was completed today. Just before he died we finished our plans for our tattoo traveling trip. We planned on where we would go and what type of tattoos we would get when we got there. Using traditional methods of course. Far into our future but yet another one of our plans neer to be realized.

So last week I went to get the memorial tattoo for Courtney, my goodbye to him. Shit was all janky and it just wasnt going to happen. So rebooked the appt and off I went. Staci kept me sane on a serious verge of breaking down. She twisted my arm and we went to some random shop. We picked a goofy ass koi, it felt good to feel the pain. Don't get me wrong it hurt like a bitch but still the release through the pain felt good. It looks okay and I am good with it. Ironically the symbolizem for a koi is fitting for its purpose at that moment and the next few months I am to face.

Fast forward to today. I went to an absolutely amazing artist. He is the only one who has gotten the concept. He understood the pain I wanted to resinate from the piece. It is so much more than I thought. I feel like a weight has been lifted. Back story goes like this... girl represents me, crows represent death, I am there on the edge ready to fall at any second. The smallest movement will push me forward, frozen in that spot forever. The crows are leaving the body, they are him leaving me, they are pulling me away from the edge. They were part of her as he is part of me, different beings but combined together as one. I bitched out at the end, the part at the top right behind my knee. I was done but he had the last couple of crows to do. They all talked me into nutting up and those 4 crows made the piece. Those 4 crows are my boys. Once again I thought I couldnt do something and those damn kids made me have to go on. So the last part is him leaving me but still being part of them.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

I am going to let you in on a secret. One or two people already know but really it is something that I didn't want to be public knowledge. I figure the only way to make me accept the fact that it doesn't change anything is to admit it. If I go about embarrassing myself publicly then maybe it will give me the balls to change.

My routine for doing laundry is simple. Sort laundry, wash laundry, dry laundry, take laundry to our bedroom and iron everything but undies and socks, while ironing separate into each person's pile, yell at kids until they put clothes away. Since Courtney died, I have left that routine. I have removed the ironing step. There just isn't enough time in the day, especially during football season and Cal tugging at my leg the entire time. I enjoy ironing and it was my time alone and Courtney would entertain all of the boys. I have also abandoned the yelling at the boys part. The reason behind this is my secret. Since he died my bed has been piled high with laundry. Sorted into their respective piles. Lined up in precise order. The reason for sorting is so that each of the boys can still easily find their clothes each day. The reason for the precision line-up, is so that the weight of the clothes in the dark of the night makes me feel like he is there. At night we would sleep soundly knowing that with just a slight movement we could feel each other. I cant sleep without him, I cant be alone in my bed without him. Having the weight of the laundry there makes it seem like I am not alone. My goal is tonight to have everything put away. To spend my first night "alone". Chances are that I am bullshitting myself but maybe just maybe if I move the laundry out of the way and open myself up to the pain it will inflict, my dreams will come back to me. Maybe I will see his face in those dreams, maybe we will sit and have a talk. Maybe...