Monday, October 6, 2008

I did it. My post yesterday gave me the courage to finally face my bed alone. No clothes, no baby. Okay the puppy still slept with me but damnit he freezes at night alone in his crate. I did not sleep until late. It was a fitfull sleep. It was a deep slumber. It was a night full of panicky moments that brought me straight out of bed. It made me realize how alone we are. Courtney was our protector. He made me feel so safe. I am that girl who would hear a noise and run outside when he was here but now I am scared of every shadow. I cant stop my mind from racing. I close all windows, lock all the doors, curtains battened down against the unknown. If I hear a menacing noise, I torture myself until I go to check it. I bring Louie to attention knowing that it really is a 50/50 chance on wether he will do his job and protect or turn tail and run. I have debated with myself several times over and over today about what to do. I wont let the kids feed off this paranoia. They have enough to deal with my bogus fear will not be their burden. I am sure in time I will grab hold of these fears and squash them but until then I will hope the boogey man will stay at bay.

Now as for sleeping alone it was completly as I expected. Everything I said above but the dreams are back. Fleeting bits and pieces non coherent mumbo jumbo. I dont remember what they were but I know they were there. I hope that soon I will see his face, I will feel the memory of his touch, I will see the future that was robbed from me. That is what dreams are glimpses of what could have been, what should have been and that is what I need so desperatley.


saya said...

morning freed up tomorrow, I'll call you if I can.

btw, sounds like you need a xaanax, you need to chill the fuck out, take a bubble bath, just try to relax for a minute.

I'm not that girl that's gonna tell you to let it all out and it's okay to cry cuz well, fuck that.

pharmaceuticals are a beautiful thing.

Dearbhail (leanbh) said...

It must have taken great courage to do that. I hope you will feel his presence as you dream.

Carmen said...