Just because I know you are wondering. The laundry sits just like it has for the last 2 months. I was infact bullshitting myself. I am just not there yet.
The biggest step I have taken in acknowledging Courtney is gone was completed today. Just before he died we finished our plans for our tattoo traveling trip. We planned on where we would go and what type of tattoos we would get when we got there. Using traditional methods of course. Far into our future but yet another one of our plans neer to be realized.
So last week I went to get the memorial tattoo for Courtney, my goodbye to him. Shit was all janky and it just wasnt going to happen. So rebooked the appt and off I went. Staci kept me sane on a serious verge of breaking down. She twisted my arm and we went to some random shop. We picked a goofy ass koi, it felt good to feel the pain. Don't get me wrong it hurt like a bitch but still the release through the pain felt good. It looks okay and I am good with it. Ironically the symbolizem for a koi is fitting for its purpose at that moment and the next few months I am to face.
Fast forward to today. I went to an absolutely amazing artist. He is the only one who has gotten the concept. He understood the pain I wanted to resinate from the piece. It is so much more than I thought. I feel like a weight has been lifted. Back story goes like this... girl represents me, crows represent death, I am there on the edge ready to fall at any second. The smallest movement will push me forward, frozen in that spot forever. The crows are leaving the body, they are him leaving me, they are pulling me away from the edge. They were part of her as he is part of me, different beings but combined together as one. I bitched out at the end, the part at the top right behind my knee. I was done but he had the last couple of crows to do. They all talked me into nutting up and those 4 crows made the piece. Those 4 crows are my boys. Once again I thought I couldnt do something and those damn kids made me have to go on. So the last part is him leaving me but still being part of them.