It feels like forever since I have posted. I just can't seem to put myself in the frame of mind to make my thoughts clear. It seems to me the more time passes the harder this is getting. The more I can't repress my emotions. The more I can't play nice with the rest of humanity. Everyday that goes by is one more that he isnt here. The days are adding up and it hurts. I think that in some ways I may just now be starting to really grieve. I mean I miss him every moment, I think of what should have been, I play those wretched pictures in my mind. I have never and will never stop talking about him and including his name in my conversations but it is really starting to hurt to hear others talk about him. Then if people don't I get mad. I am just so confussed. I can't get my head above the waves, I am not drowning just fighting day in and day out. I am so tired of fighting. I want to just cry and cry until there are no more tears but they just keep falling. I want to sleep the day away but the kids keep me moving. I just hurt and there is nothing more I can do about it. I ignore things and they come back, I deal with things and more is brought in their place. I just dont know which way to turn right now.