Friday, October 17, 2008
Time is relative in my world now. I know my list of things that need competion each day. I know what extras need to be done out of the norm on each day. I know who to pick up and where on each day. The issue lies within all of that. Each day is just a day. Time seems to have become a number on the clock. Time in my world is not moving forward. Each day that passes doesnt change where my mind is in time. My mind is stuck on the day Courtney died. I know time is moving, I know people are moving, I just can't bring myself to get past that morning. I have let so many things go. Unless something is slapping me in the face I just ignore it unless it has to do with getting done that day. For example, #3's birthday is on Sunday. I know his birthday is coming. I know that I need to keep with the traditions that we have made as a family. I want to do something special for him becasue this is his first birthday without his dad. This is our first "holiday" without him. Have I done anything? No. Have I organized anything? No. Have I even bought presents? No. I feel that the moment I do then I will have to face the fact that this is our life , he is gone and it is up to me to give them everything the same as it was before. My own demons are being brought into the light and I just dont know what to do with them. My chils will have a great birthday because that is what he needs, that is what we all need but it hurts so much to do it without him.