Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Okay in general I am angry. In general I am angry at nothing and everything all at the same time. There really is no way to put a finger on the anger yet. Well, now I do have something. This blog isn't going to be light hearted. It isn't going to be nice. This isn't referring to one person, it is about several of you. If you think it is about you chances are it is and if your feelings are hurt well, I really could give a shit right now.

First off, if you know me you know that I will go to extreme lengths to protect my kids. They always have been my reason for living. I am absolutely overprotective. So know that this is about your actions toward them and me not letting it slide any longer.

Secondly, I know that we are all in pain. We all lost Courtney. We all hurt to see his things, to go places where we have memories of him. I know that seeing the kids and I are like salt in the wound. I have said it before I understand.

Finally, know that you are an adult. Your loss, my loss none of that is anything compared to the loss my kids have endured. Don't forget for one second that as much as it hurts you it hurts them much much worse.

Okay now read this with an open mind and make you decision on how to proceed from here. I will tell you that 100% I am ready to cut my losses and walk the fuck away. I won't continue to see hurt in my kids eyes when they speak of you or the way things were before.

So before Courtney passed away our house was a gathering place. Dinners, bbq's, movie nights, stop by for a minute that type of thing. Almost every weekend there was something going on at someone's house, the kids would usually come for a bit and then home they went. If they didn't come they knew where we were and who we were with. This was how it WAS up until the day he died.

My kids have been way down lately. We talk about it but I can never really get the whole story. I know there is something missing. Well, finally #1 fesses up. Then 2 and 3 chime in. They are upset because there are people used to come around and are now gone. These same people made my kids promises at the funeral and in the weeks after that no matter what they would be here for them. They weren't going anywhere and if they needed anything all the boys had to do was say something. Guess what you selfish fucks, the kids notice that you are gone. Nowhere to be found. They ask about you and I give them the obligatory story. Do I understand that everything has changed, yes. Do I understand that life gets in the way? Yes. Do I understand how you can make a promise to a child who just had their heart ripped out and then not follow through? Not at all.

They actually said that they feel that those people who are now just voices in the wind were only really there for Dad. Never for them. Can you step out of your grief for one moment and look at this from a child's eyes? I am so angry that some of the people that we held closest to our hearts, that we trusted with our kids have been the ones to hurts us the most. I am so angry that aside from their own hurt feelings they are hurting for me because they see me as being left behind by these individuals also. I am so pissed that my kids are worrying about me and I know that as angry as I am at these people I am angry at myself for letting my kids take that on. Could I stop them from taking that emotion, could I stop them from caring , no. It really is just so much pain dealt that I don't think is being done intentionally but nonetheless being done.

I can say that for the several of you that have failed miserably as friends there have been others who have gone above and beyond. Those who really have helped me keep my faith in what a friend really is. The ones who I have been lived the odd parallel lives with who I should have been closer to long ago but for some strange reason wasn't. The ones who I can go for months on end of no contact but the moment I need them they send a stupid note or find the most inappropriate thing to make me smile. The ones who live in other states and countries. Those are the ones who don't bother with the empty promises. Those are the ones that don't let their grief hinder them but they let us heal together.

We all grieve in different ways. We all live our lives. We all move in different paths in life. All of that is okay that is the nature of being who we are but never forget the ones who meant the most to you. Never forget that moving on doesn't mean forgetting. Ignoring doesn't mean healing.


saya said...

good for you.

Now go get some fucking meds for god's sake.

you need prozac.

want some of mine?

broken said...

and this is why i love you!

Melanie said...

It's nice to know that we do feel the same! Just talking about all the times you and Courtney were so close to us yet we kept passing like ships in the night trips me out! We could have been friends for years now!!!! Good thing we weren't or else we may have been tired of each other by now!! LOL!!!
Hope you have a good day tomorrow.