I am tired of the quiet. I am tired of the unceasing noise. I am tired of the phone always ringing I am tired of th ephone not ringing. I am tired of living my life this way. I am tired of not living my life. I am tired of the images that never seem to leave my mind. I am tired the worry of forgetting one single moment of the images in my mind.

It is never ending. There is no balance anymore. How do you live for the joy in life when a part of you has been taken away? The motions of being "normal" for my children are becoming harder and harder each day. I just don't know how to do this alone. He was so much a part of me, he had become me.

No relationship is ever perfect. Our was no different, we argued, we bickered and we disagreed. In all of that we found each other time and time again. When we argued it wasnt ugly. A fight never lasted for days. It didnt effect other aspects of our lives. There were no words spoken in anger that were regretted later. I have never in my life trusted someone the way I trusted him. I could see him across a room and without a single word we would know what the other was thinking. We had the same hope and ideas of the future. We never went more than a few hours without contact. He would call or text and I the same for no good reason, just so we knoew the other was there. I knew that no matter what the situation, he held me and the kids in his hand. I never had to worry that there would be a time that he would betray that trust and love. He let me be me. He never tried to change me. We just grew together and in that we grew to be one. We found that balance in life that so few do. Courtney was Courtney and Vicki was Vicki but together we were more.

It is so cliche but he is my soulmate. How do I live without such a huge part of my soul? How do I keep this fake smile and go on about my day? All I want to do is sit and cry. I just want to mourn without the worry of hurting someone else in the process. I just want to sob and sob until this pain is gone.