See I told you I was losing my mind. Erica has the right song. Steve Miller Band. I just had the words mushed in my mush brain.
The season is changing and I am going through the motions that need to be done to ready for winter. Really I gave no thought of it before. There is alot of shit to do. My only concern was to tell Courtney which plants needed special care and that is it. He checked the roof, took care of the gutters, trimed the trees and packed away all of the outdoor toys. Now it is up to the boys and I. We got some of it done this weekend. I figure a little at a time still counts. The change I have seen in the kids is enormous. Last year Courtney dragged them out to help him and they fought and kicked the entire time. This year they dove in head first. They found great pride in doing what Dad did. They goofed around with each other the way he did.
There are moments where I am so afraid that someday they will deal with losing him by denying him. Not for lack of love but more of defence. Cutting off the hurt. Then there are moments where I see so much of him in them. Little quirks he had, they share. The way they sit, the faces they make, the tone they take, just little things noone else sees. It fills my heart with so much pride to know that even though he was not their biological father that he very clearly did create them. He shared himself with them and they absorbed so much. I know that because of him they will be good men someday.