Sunday, November 16, 2008

There is a song, really it is one line of a song. I don't even know the name of it. The line however is "Time keeps on ticking". Every single day there is a moment (most times many moments) that I hear that little voice in my head. That line repeats again and again.

It was screaming at me today. It was a playoff game for the #2 and #3. I kept thinking of last year. Courtney was so damn excited that they made it. I was so irritated that the season was still going. This year my sentiment was the same. I missed his so much. Him hooting and hollering from the stands. His egging on of the other team. Him just being the dad he was meant to be. They ended in a harsh loss. The game was rigged I tell you. The boys were crushed and I know it would have made a huge difference if he was there.

After the game my dad wanted to take the boys out to eat. My first thought, let me call Courtney and see if he wants to meet us. There was that voice again. Taunting me. I can't believe I actually had my phone in hand ready to call him. I did keep my composure and I am sure that none of them caught on but fuck, that was hard.

I just want to feel normal again. Funny thing that was normal for that one second, I lost myself in the running bullshit lines I feed myself on a daily basis just to get through. I honestly forgot that he is gone. For that second after a shitty shitty day, I felt like I did when he was here. Then of course the guilt hit. Like a ton of bricks. I have this pit in my stomach like I just did him the worst disservice ever by forgetting he had died. I know that he really could give a shit but it seems like for that moment time stood still. He was there waiting for my call. If I had dialed the phone he would have picked it up. I didn't though and now TIME KEEPS ON TICKING.


saya said...

I think I know the song you mean.
Tick tick tickin' in my head?

Anthrax I think

leanbh said...

((HUGS)) honey. I read this each time you write and I'd like to think of something comforting to say, but I know mere words can't make things better. Just know that I think of you and the boys often. You all are never far from my thoughts.

broken said...

Nope I know that one. It is like a bad 80's slow song or at least that is how it plays in my head.

RicaLynn said...

I keep hearing Steve Miller Band - "Fly Like an Eagle"
Time keeps on slippin' slippin' slippin', into the future....

I too am at a loss for the right words, but just remember that you are ENTITLED to your feelings; there is no right or wrong when it comes to the heart, especially in situations like this. You feel how you feel, when you feel that way, and nothing ANYONE can say will change that. (((hugs)))