Today had such an illusion of normal. Followed the routine. Same routine we have had everyday for years on school days. Things seemed as if it was back to business as usual.
The difference was that I caught myself wondering why he hadn't called on his morning break. Three times during the day I picked up my phone and dialed his number with something to share with him. When getting ready for the gym, I actually went out to the front room to tell him the agenda. I went to bed and forgot to turn off the t.v. in the front room. I caught myself mid-bitch of yelling for him to turn it off and come to bed.
I am not sure what happened to my mind today. Have I turned a corner from constantly grieving to full on denial? Is it possible to be in denial and know you are in it? I am more confused than ever. My mom and her husband sent me an interesting book about moving through the grieving process. I have yet to read the book but the few spot checks I have attempted have shown promise. It has made me think that other than the short paper the Chaplin gave me the day this spiral began I have made no attempt to heal myself. I have made no attempt to face this head-on. I know the time is coming, I can hear it banging on the fortress door. I can feel the cool breath of reality on the back of my neck.
Step one will begin tomorrow. It will be the start of facing his death head on or it will push me further into my corner. I am not sure but it will begin something either way. Tomorrow I am going to visit his grave. His tombstone should be there. The grass should be growing in. It should be a quiet day, no services. I imagine it will be he and I and if I am taking this plunge, his ass better be there too. We shall see...