Right back where I started. Fuck the facing reality bullshit I was touting yesterday. I am full well back into my cocoon of denial. It is warm here, it is quiet, it is full of everything everyone else needs which thankfully leaves no time for what I need. This dark corner of a wasted mind is where I will make my bed.

People are still just finding out about Courtney's death. Seriously? We live in a town where people literally gossip about how often so and so took a shit yesterday but you dont hear about an incredible life being snubbed out. It's okay I mean I dont have anything better to do than sit and relive that day for your amusement. No I was just kidding we are just prepping for a REALLY early and involved April fools joke. This is why I dont answer the phone anymore, I am sick of random people finding our phone number and calling. If you hadnt spoke to him since highschool and you now live out of state, I really really do appreciate the call or letters you send but I am not looking to bond over this.

I also went to his grave today. His tombstone is there. Cold, hard stone. White and grey. No sign of the life it represented. His name is there, etched for eternity. He is one the end of the row. In his typical place in life, right where he can see everything that is going on around him, guiding people along their way. The few simple words I was allowed to inscribe were so hard to think of , they seemed meaningful at that moment but now they just seem empty. As if I should have fought for what I wanted but then again I have no idea what that would have been even had I been allowed full reign. Military cemetaries are very strict about how they look. No additions, like pictures or dumb pinwheels or things people seem to like to leave at gravesites. Fresh flowers only in the cemetaries approved containers. I sat, I cried, I spoke to him, I cried some more. It just never seems to end.