Thursday, September 4, 2008

Today is officially one month since he died. Today is officially one month since my world was turned inside out. One month since I lost all direction. On month since, well since everything. I know time is moving forward. I see each new day come. Thing is when I try to remember what day it is, it is still August 4th. I am stuck on repeat in my mind. I dont know how to fix it.

I freaked out yesterday. Serious panick attack. I got my hair cut and colored. I love it. Really am happy with it. It felt so good to have control over something again. I mean all of the things that have happened lately I have no control over. I need control again.

There are several people that have had dreams with him in them lately. In them he seems to be passing messages. In one of them the message was very clear and I need time to see the outcome. My issue is that the fucker never bothers to answer me. I am tired of talking to myself, I am tired of begging and pleading to get just a small sign. At this point I would even take some creepy movie type shit. Static on the phone where i can almost but not really hear him, shit being moved around, a damn smack on the back of the head now and again would be welcome. I may even go for a hand reaching out and grabbing me from under the bed or shadows in the closet if it was just him giving me some acknowledgement. I just want to feel that he is there. I just want to see his face clearly in a dream. I just want to get past this self thrown pity party. I am so tired of it. I am tired of being patient, he knows that is not my strong suit.

One month since the other half of my soul left me empty. Oh and here is a news flash, his memories dont fill the void no matter how wonderful they are.

1 comment:

Carmen said...

((((HUGS)))) I was thinking of you when I first woke this morning. I can't believe its been a month either. Its funny how time plays tricks on you... I am a firm believer that those we love most are always around in some shape or form, we're just not always aware of them. Courtney is forever in your heart, so he IS always around. I hope today is a good day and that tomorrow is a little better. Luv ya!