Tuesday, September 30, 2008

People are always pushing me to talk about what I feel. They say you have to let out your emotions, you need to let your kids see that it's okay to cry. Why do you bottle it all up? Well, since you pesky buggers won't leave me alone I am going to break it down for the last time. It will be the same song and dance I have given before but if I dedicate an entire post to it you may get it through your thick ass head...

I am not that girl. Never have been, never will be. I don't like to cry. It makes me feel weak, it does not in any way shape or form make me feel better. I don't want anyone to see that side of me. That emotional side, the hurt side I should say was for Courtney and Courtney alone to see. Sure there were times when I would cry for no damn reason other than the fact that I have a vagina that makes me lose my fucking mind on occasion. In our time together I would dare say he only saw me cry maybe 5 times a year and that is a genorous number. I would say out of those only a handful were breakdown sobbing. He knew me well enough to know when I needed him before I got to that point. He also knew to leave me the fuck alone if I got to that point and when to come at the perfect moment to make it all go away. He never cried because I cried. He never fed me bullshit obligatory lines when I was upset.

Now with him not being here the crying wont solve anything. Here is what happens, I cry. The room goes silent, everyone is uncomfortable, other people start crying and it is just bullshit. I will not take that on. If you cry it is because you are sad, I have no problem with. For me crying is personal. I don't share all of myself with many people. I refuse to show the weak side of myself to anyone who will try to take it on and make it better. There is no way to heal this hurt. There is no way to fill the void that is left in my soul.

As for my kids, if one more mother fucker dares to tell me what to do with them and how to help them get through this I dont care who you are or what you meant to Courtney or I. Every ounce of anger will be unleashed upon you. I am doing everything possible to get them through this. I am doing what I feel is right. They see me cry and we talk about it. They cry and we talk about it. They are seeing councelors about it. I have done all I can to make sure as little as possible has changed in the way we go about our daily lives. Now that would not be possible if I outwardly showed what a wreak I am on the inside. The attention needs to be on them not me. They have also had to take on the burden and I do mean burden of the emotions and opinions of others. So teaching them to smile in the face of grief as a defense doesnt seem so wrong to me. They have had their moments to where they break in front of people and they know they can take that as time to heal with friends or they can walk away and save it for when they have their family. They know how sad I am they see how much it hurts but to see me stop life as they know it would change them for the worse. They already will never be the same. I will not have my constant flow of tears add to that.

So if you are so desperate to see me cry. Come on by in the dark of night when I sit alone with my mind centered on him. Or everyday when I touch something that was his, or smell his cologne after I take a shower. Or when I am in the car and my mind wanders to what we would have been doing or what we would have been talking about. Oh there is always dinner where the kids would run wild and he and I would cook together and now the kids still run wild but I am there alone. The dinner table where we talk about him almost every night.

Just because you dont see tears does not mean for one second that I dont miss him every second of the day. Just because I wont tell you what my real feeling are doesnt mean that it doesnt kill me every morning to get out of bed and go about life as if he is just on a vacation. This pain I feel will never subside, no matter what turns life takes and how much time passes this pain will always be there, I just wont let it define me to you.

1 comment:

Laura said...

Hey, I've missed hearing from you. Hugs.