Thursday, September 18, 2008
I broke today. I broke my own simple cardinal rule. I have fought long and hard to not break this sacred commandment. I cried and I mean really cried in a very public setting with my kids present. Today was just to much. Every which way I turned, there it was slapping me in the face. Happy families, perfect couples, kids hanging on their dads every word all in all everything I am missing. The day was calm and peaceful until I made my plans for tomarrow which include taking Courtney off the last few things that are in both of our names. #1 had a football game tonight. These are always hard. It just hurts to know this should be a family event. It burns to see all the dads beaming with pride. It aches to have that seat next to me empty. #2 and #3 had a pizza night for their football. The friday before he died we had dinner there, with 4 of the people that were most special to us. Walking in that door took every ounce of courage I had. Sitting there hurt so much. I just couldnt do it. I tried so damn hard to hold back the tears but they just wouldnt stop. I passed off #4 and ran outside. I wanted to throw up literally. I was an idiot. I couldnt stop myself. I was like a child who was crying so hard they can't breath anymore. I finally composed myself and went inside to try to grab the boys and run before the entire team saw the state I was in. No such luck. The stares from everyone told the story that they all knew. I am so ashamed that I lost it in front of the kids, in front of their friends and in such a public place. Now I have to face each and everyone of them tomorrow at practice. At least they all have something to talk about again.