Thursday, September 18, 2008

I broke today. I broke my own simple cardinal rule. I have fought long and hard to not break this sacred commandment. I cried and I mean really cried in a very public setting with my kids present. Today was just to much. Every which way I turned, there it was slapping me in the face. Happy families, perfect couples, kids hanging on their dads every word all in all everything I am missing. The day was calm and peaceful until I made my plans for tomarrow which include taking Courtney off the last few things that are in both of our names. #1 had a football game tonight. These are always hard. It just hurts to know this should be a family event. It burns to see all the dads beaming with pride. It aches to have that seat next to me empty. #2 and #3 had a pizza night for their football. The friday before he died we had dinner there, with 4 of the people that were most special to us. Walking in that door took every ounce of courage I had. Sitting there hurt so much. I just couldnt do it. I tried so damn hard to hold back the tears but they just wouldnt stop. I passed off #4 and ran outside. I wanted to throw up literally. I was an idiot. I couldnt stop myself. I was like a child who was crying so hard they can't breath anymore. I finally composed myself and went inside to try to grab the boys and run before the entire team saw the state I was in. No such luck. The stares from everyone told the story that they all knew. I am so ashamed that I lost it in front of the kids, in front of their friends and in such a public place. Now I have to face each and everyone of them tomorrow at practice. At least they all have something to talk about again.

3 comments:

saya said...

fuck it lady.

who cares if raw human emotion disturbs their delicate sensibilities.

It's great to be strong for your boys but it's just as good to let them see that there is an emotional human being inside the bitch facade.

you can vomit on me if you want but you have to buy me a coffee afterwards.

Erica said...

Screw being strong, woman, you are entitled to grieve. Your boys NEED to see that you hurt like they do. Who gives a damn what 'they' think? I for one am proud of you for going in there and facing that fear.

Carmen said...

Fuck them.

Let them talk if they want to. The people who truly love you are always here for you.

If I was there I would have given you a big hug, cried with you, then brought you a beer.

((((HUGS))))