It has been awhile. So many things are going on. I can't keep pace. My mind is a fucking mess. I can't find up from down. No really, I am having a hard time putting a coherent sentence together. I have no memory long or short term. Everything is moving at a serious fast-forward and I am stuck on 1/2 time.

Why this havoc is decending I do not know. Am I going crazy? Am I realizing I am not cut out to do all of this alone? Am I to tired and the need for sleep is impending? Am I just now coming to terms with the fact that he is gone? I just want to scream from the rooftops that I don't fucking know.

I am pushing forward but the motions are weak. I am still putting on the happy face but the tears are flowing more often. I am trying to keep up the appearence but failing miserably. I am trying to find the inentive to find a job though you would think the strong possibility of foreclosure would kick me in the ass.

The only way that I can think of to clear my mind is here. More so than the petty sorry for myself posts that usually seep from my mind but more me answering questions that are hurled at me. Me defending my position of why I do what I do. Why even though I may be a wretch of a person I am still better than you. While I live my life the way you dont agree with its okay because each and every mistake I own.