Sunday, September 7, 2008

Today was a day that I faced a great fear of mine. In our lives, in our home the garage was Courtney's domain. Until the day we had a home where he could have a "man cave" that is. Things were organized his way, each and everything in the garage is where he planned for it to be. It was the one place that I had nothing to worry about. I would drop things off that had made their way into the house and he would put them in their place.

There was once that I tried to do him a favor and get things organized while he was at work. Wayne and Jed bore witness to that debacle. The look of sheer terror in their eyes that I dared to touch things in his garage was hysterical. It was nothing to the look that he gave me when he came home, lol. He banished me immediatly. He then snuck inside and gave me the biggest hug and kiss. He said that he loved me and loved how it looked but couldnt lose face in front of his friends. I mean really what man would let his woman put things away in his garage. Then off he went again, I am sure bitched up a storm about how out of line I was.

He was in the middle of cleaning things when he passed. After hosting the memorial and having so many people come in and out and my typical putting things out there it was a mess. He is no longer here to straighten things up. It has been a weight on my shoulders. I didnt want to touch anything that he had put away by himself. I wanted everything just the way he left it. Problem is I knew in the back of my head that I needed to finish what he started. Today I tackled that task. I swept, I moved things, I oraganized. I cleaned out the tool buckets he had packed and ready for work that morning. Everything is in its place. I covered his bike. I tried so hard to think of what he would say if he was to come home and see the garage right now. Everything is sitting and waiting for him. I am so unsure if it was the right thing to do. I feel the weight , it is still there but it has shifted. I havent cried this much in a few days. Funny thing is that they were tears of pure unadultrated sorrow but of how much that damn garage reflects who he was. I swear to you I haven't seen so many of the same tool on the shelves at the home depot. He has tools that were must haves at the moment but I kid you not they are still in the origional boxes unopened. So so many things that I have not a clue what they are and what they do but I know he had a plan for each and everything in that garage. Every inch of this house reminds me of him but being out there is just so much like being with him still. God I miss him. I love him so much.

1 comment:

saya said...

not that you would, but never get rid of those tools.
don't let anyone that wouldn't return them borrow them.

even though you don't know what some of them do, you will and you'll need them.

it's funny, the garage. Our garage is roughly how our grandfather left it, with many of his tools and fishing gear still there, 30 years old.
It continues to comfort.

hang in there and make peace with your storage space lady, and take his fucking bike for a ride.
He'd want you to.