Monday, September 1, 2008

This weekend was so full yet so empty. Saturday morning was spent watching #1 play his first highschool football scrimmage. Goodness I felt old. It feels like yesterday I was looking for my parents in the stands and now there I am. He was spectacular. Courtney was so excited about him playing. He would sneak out to his practices and watch him. He would grin ear to ear talking about it.

Saturday night was spent with our amazing friends. The boys pitched a fit about going but eventually when it was time for them to go they didnt want to leave. They smiled and played, it was so good to see. My cousin came with me because I was scared. I am still having huge anxiety issues about going places. Thank goodness she was there. I had a moment and she was right there to keep #4 while I bawled in the bathroom for a minute. When I finally got the boys to leave, we dropped off Mel's kids also. She then proceeded to ambush me with the most spectacular gift ever. Ryan had refurbished Courtney's bbq. His cherrished smoker that he never used, lol. They sanded, repainted, restained the wood the works. The best part was they painted Big C's BBQ on it. I fucking bawled like a baby. I cannot possibly express how much that means to me. Fuckers. Back at the party it was great. Then the dancing ensued. I laughed and smiled for real, not just the typical bullshit front I have done so often lately. He would have had so much fun. In my head I could hear him making smartass comments. I could feel him watching me from across the room. It was so easy to pretend like he was there just never in the same room as me.

Sunday off to meet the puppy. He is adorable. He, if you dont know was the one unfinished promise he left to the boys. He and #'s 2 and 3 looked and looked. Well, #3 called me on not finishing what their dad had started so we found the newbie. After several hundred puppies he was it. Then after looking at his info I come to find he was born on the day Courtney passed away. Seems meant to be. He will come home in the next few weeks.

Today was hollow. It was a very typical 3 day weekend for us. The last day is left for yardwork and what nots. For some reason the mundane task of pulling weeds and edging the lawn killed me. I thought of him every second I was out there.I just cant seem to be okay for more than minutes at a time. I am either crying or mad. The mad feels the best but it really is not the best. The mad I get is ugly and it is mean and it really has no bounds. I am not sure how to stop it. I dont want the kids to see or hear me when I am like that. I dont want them to think it is okay to act on that emotion no matter the situation. I have got to get control. But all I really want is to smash someone in the face. I just want to break things until I am to spent to move. I just want to sit in his arms again. I just want to hear his voice say it will be okay.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

all you need to do my listen...I know Courtney's holding you close and telling you it's going to be okay. Maybe not today. But it will be. Anything you EVER need we will do all in our power to make it happen!!!
much love,
Ryan and Mel