Avoidance that has been the name of my game in regards to this blog. This week was a week packed full of firsts. I just couldnt face them I just couldnt bring myself to speak of them. The thing is that no matter how I try to side step all of the things Courtney and I used to plan for they still come. All of the things that are inevitable in life still happen. In the end I it comes down to the cold hard fact that my world is stuck at 4:09 a.m. August 4th, 2008, the rest of the world is steadily moving along. Now is the time that either I stay there in that moment dipping my feet into reality for the sake of my kids or I move on with them hand in hand. Of course that is not good enough for me. I wont leave that day. I wont move past it but I will move on with living because I can't just be a witness to their lives. I am their mother and I need to be there with them in all they do.
#1 had his first official highschool football game. I swear I saw Courtney's face smiling down at him. He was so excited to go watch him play. So incredibly proud that he took such a leap outside of his normal self imposed prison and went out for the team.
#4 is finally starting to talk. Still only a word here and there. Nothing regular but each word is another thing that his daddy is missing. He is such a boy now. So few baby traits are left in him, the way he walks, the manner in which he plays it is all so different from 6 weeks ago. He knows when he sees Courtney in pictures to say dada. He smiles and kisses them.
#2 is having a hard time. Trying to find his path. Trying to be his dad but be himself. I see a fire in his eyes, a mix of ambition, rebellion and pure unadulturated anger. I wonder where that will take him.
#3 compares himself, every little thing to his dad. Always questioning what Dad would have thought. What would Dad have said. Always talking about how much he is like him.
I peeled off the scab that has covered my soul and took the boys camping. Raw emotion abounds. They have been begging to go to Courtney's favorite spot. Dillon Beach. We all loved it there and always have a great time. Leaving home was good, leaving the pressures of reality was great, being in a place that held so much of him was spectacular. It felt good to be there with friends that wont judge. To be with friends that were/are family to us. For those that came to give their time to indulge my insecurities of being alone meant so much. The beach was the hardest. We would sit out there and just watch the tides. We would watch the kids, we would dig ridiculous holes in the beach, we would find disgusting forms of dead creatures, we would yet again plan our future. It was so hard to see #4 play and know how badly Courtney wanted to take him there. We just never had the time. We never made the present a priority.
That is the joke that time plays on all of us again and again. It is the never ending banter of person after person getting screwed. Time is never ending. There will always be more time. Problem is the time you are living in is the only time you really have. Time is its own form of life, you cant control it, you cant bend it to your will, you never know when your time is up. But wait dont forget all of the things that are requirements of your time, the must-do's in life. But wait dont forget to go and live your life to the fullest do not wait for the future to fullfill your dreams. But wait...