I am going to let you in on a secret. One or two people already know but really it is something that I didn't want to be public knowledge. I figure the only way to make me accept the fact that it doesn't change anything is to admit it. If I go about embarrassing myself publicly then maybe it will give me the balls to change.

My routine for doing laundry is simple. Sort laundry, wash laundry, dry laundry, take laundry to our bedroom and iron everything but undies and socks, while ironing separate into each person's pile, yell at kids until they put clothes away. Since Courtney died, I have left that routine. I have removed the ironing step. There just isn't enough time in the day, especially during football season and Cal tugging at my leg the entire time. I enjoy ironing and it was my time alone and Courtney would entertain all of the boys. I have also abandoned the yelling at the boys part. The reason behind this is my secret. Since he died my bed has been piled high with laundry. Sorted into their respective piles. Lined up in precise order. The reason for sorting is so that each of the boys can still easily find their clothes each day. The reason for the precision line-up, is so that the weight of the clothes in the dark of the night makes me feel like he is there. At night we would sleep soundly knowing that with just a slight movement we could feel each other. I cant sleep without him, I cant be alone in my bed without him. Having the weight of the laundry there makes it seem like I am not alone. My goal is tonight to have everything put away. To spend my first night "alone". Chances are that I am bullshitting myself but maybe just maybe if I move the laundry out of the way and open myself up to the pain it will inflict, my dreams will come back to me. Maybe I will see his face in those dreams, maybe we will sit and have a talk. Maybe...