Today marks week 3. I have made it through 3 long, miserable, volitile weeks without him. Funny as these are the 3 weeks that I needed him more than ever. I am having a hard time moving on from that day. I mean each day drags on, each night takes an eternity but somehow in my head it seems like not a day has past since the 4th. I just can't figure it out. Life is moving on and time is passing but that day I am forever to live that day as it happened just moments ago.

Making my blog known has sent me into various states of panic. I go from freaking the hell out, to regretting sharing, wondering if I can still share my raw emotions, being typical me and saying fuck em all.

Today was a day of days. I am trying ot make peace with Courtney's parents in my mind. They are oblivious to how much they have hurt me in the last few weeks. I am trying so hard to hold my tounge but each time we have contact it gets harder.

His dad is a veteran. He has reached the age where he is able to obtain his retirement money. Well he reached that age several years ago but never got around to filing for them. So I took him down to get the ball rolling. Really it was no problem. I like Ed, he tells me stories about his time in service and seems to enjoy my company. He is not the most... personable person since he had his stroke so it is nice to spend time with him. So we finish everything and I am talking to Miriam to let her know all the happenings of the day. We get to talking about Ryan (the brother). He was hoping to be stationed in Germany so he would not have to take another tour in Afganistan. Nope he is going to Alaska, he will not get out of his obligation. Dont get me wrong, I full well understand why he doesnt want to go and why everyone is scared for him. I would be crushed for his family if the untinkable happens and I wish him all of the best even if it hurts to do so, considering. No matter what happens fighting for our country is your obligaion once you join the armed forces. It should not just be a paycheck. So anyhow, Miriam tells me "If it wasnt for Callen being born Ryan wouldnt have to go". WTF? There is some act of war that if you are the last male in the family to carry on the name then said soldier is exempt from combat (think saving private ryan) I understand she is a mother who just lost her son and now runs the risk of losing another but who in the fuck says that about their grandchild. I mean sure I probably took it more harsh and literal than she meant but come on. I lost my husband the father of the child you are questioning. How the hell do you think something like that let alone say it to me? I am so hurt right now. I just want to never speak to them again but I know its not what he would want. So once again I sit bent over a chair. BOHICA.