I need motivation. There is this voice I can hear in the back of my head but it is quiet no more than a whisper. It is urging me to get back to the grind to bring stability into our lives. I fear that unless it grows louder I am just going to continue on this path of self sabatoge.

I feel like such a hypocrite for living my life right now in the opposite way I strive to teach my boys.
Always do what makes you happy.
Live for that sake of living not for the sake of others opinions.
Strive for more.
Cherish what you have not what you have lost.

Such simple things to do are now so agonizing. I am trying though. I need to wrap my head around him being gone. I have denied myself that. I know I have talked about it before but I think that once I do that I can return to being me. I need to take all of the memories I re-play in my head each day and find a way to see them how they made me happy, not how they make me sad. I need to find that control over this monster that is eating my soul. I swear if you mention drugs one more time I will punch you in your whoreish face, Saya. If I can find my footing then I will look at drugs to keep my hold but you know me. I am way to much of a stubborn hag to admit I need help yet.

Okay in general I am angry. In general I am angry at nothing and everything all at the same time. There really is no way to put a finger on the anger yet. Well, now I do have something. This blog isn't going to be light hearted. It isn't going to be nice. This isn't referring to one person, it is about several of you. If you think it is about you chances are it is and if your feelings are hurt well, I really could give a shit right now.

First off, if you know me you know that I will go to extreme lengths to protect my kids. They always have been my reason for living. I am absolutely overprotective. So know that this is about your actions toward them and me not letting it slide any longer.

Secondly, I know that we are all in pain. We all lost Courtney. We all hurt to see his things, to go places where we have memories of him. I know that seeing the kids and I are like salt in the wound. I have said it before I understand.

Finally, know that you are an adult. Your loss, my loss none of that is anything compared to the loss my kids have endured. Don't forget for one second that as much as it hurts you it hurts them much much worse.

Okay now read this with an open mind and make you decision on how to proceed from here. I will tell you that 100% I am ready to cut my losses and walk the fuck away. I won't continue to see hurt in my kids eyes when they speak of you or the way things were before.

So before Courtney passed away our house was a gathering place. Dinners, bbq's, movie nights, stop by for a minute that type of thing. Almost every weekend there was something going on at someone's house, the kids would usually come for a bit and then home they went. If they didn't come they knew where we were and who we were with. This was how it WAS up until the day he died.

My kids have been way down lately. We talk about it but I can never really get the whole story. I know there is something missing. Well, finally #1 fesses up. Then 2 and 3 chime in. They are upset because there are people used to come around and are now gone. These same people made my kids promises at the funeral and in the weeks after that no matter what they would be here for them. They weren't going anywhere and if they needed anything all the boys had to do was say something. Guess what you selfish fucks, the kids notice that you are gone. Nowhere to be found. They ask about you and I give them the obligatory story. Do I understand that everything has changed, yes. Do I understand that life gets in the way? Yes. Do I understand how you can make a promise to a child who just had their heart ripped out and then not follow through? Not at all.

They actually said that they feel that those people who are now just voices in the wind were only really there for Dad. Never for them. Can you step out of your grief for one moment and look at this from a child's eyes? I am so angry that some of the people that we held closest to our hearts, that we trusted with our kids have been the ones to hurts us the most. I am so angry that aside from their own hurt feelings they are hurting for me because they see me as being left behind by these individuals also. I am so pissed that my kids are worrying about me and I know that as angry as I am at these people I am angry at myself for letting my kids take that on. Could I stop them from taking that emotion, could I stop them from caring , no. It really is just so much pain dealt that I don't think is being done intentionally but nonetheless being done.

I can say that for the several of you that have failed miserably as friends there have been others who have gone above and beyond. Those who really have helped me keep my faith in what a friend really is. The ones who I have been lived the odd parallel lives with who I should have been closer to long ago but for some strange reason wasn't. The ones who I can go for months on end of no contact but the moment I need them they send a stupid note or find the most inappropriate thing to make me smile. The ones who live in other states and countries. Those are the ones who don't bother with the empty promises. Those are the ones that don't let their grief hinder them but they let us heal together.

We all grieve in different ways. We all live our lives. We all move in different paths in life. All of that is okay that is the nature of being who we are but never forget the ones who meant the most to you. Never forget that moving on doesn't mean forgetting. Ignoring doesn't mean healing.

I am tired of the quiet. I am tired of the unceasing noise. I am tired of the phone always ringing I am tired of th ephone not ringing. I am tired of living my life this way. I am tired of not living my life. I am tired of the images that never seem to leave my mind. I am tired the worry of forgetting one single moment of the images in my mind.

It is never ending. There is no balance anymore. How do you live for the joy in life when a part of you has been taken away? The motions of being "normal" for my children are becoming harder and harder each day. I just don't know how to do this alone. He was so much a part of me, he had become me.

No relationship is ever perfect. Our was no different, we argued, we bickered and we disagreed. In all of that we found each other time and time again. When we argued it wasnt ugly. A fight never lasted for days. It didnt effect other aspects of our lives. There were no words spoken in anger that were regretted later. I have never in my life trusted someone the way I trusted him. I could see him across a room and without a single word we would know what the other was thinking. We had the same hope and ideas of the future. We never went more than a few hours without contact. He would call or text and I the same for no good reason, just so we knoew the other was there. I knew that no matter what the situation, he held me and the kids in his hand. I never had to worry that there would be a time that he would betray that trust and love. He let me be me. He never tried to change me. We just grew together and in that we grew to be one. We found that balance in life that so few do. Courtney was Courtney and Vicki was Vicki but together we were more.

It is so cliche but he is my soulmate. How do I live without such a huge part of my soul? How do I keep this fake smile and go on about my day? All I want to do is sit and cry. I just want to mourn without the worry of hurting someone else in the process. I just want to sob and sob until this pain is gone.

Okay, a bit of relief has come our way. The POS has once again dropped the custody/visitation case. He had visitation right there in his hands and pulls out. The timing is all wrong, he is going to be traveling for work. Fuck I am so happy for my boys. This is a huge weight that has lifted. He can't touch them. They can relax and not have that what if lingering over them. When I told them that it was over, I could actually see their spirits lift. They smiled, #1 actually giggled a little. It was so good to see them look like kids again even if it was just for a minute.

Today Courtney's mom also had eye surgery. One eye took several hours. This was supposed to be a quick in and out procedure. Now they tell me that she must remain on her stomach with her head down for the next week in recovery. How the fuck do I manage this. It was going to be hard enough to deal with taking care of her and Ed without this new twist. I can not in any way shape or form move this woman. I will not even consider the option of wiping anything let alone an ass. Oh hell no. Ed just isn't capable of doing these things either. Contrary to popular belief I am happy and relived that she is okay. I hope that this is what she needs to see better. I am waiting for the moment when I can sit again. Breath again and for the love of all that is holy in this world not take care of anyone but myself and my kids.

See I told you I was losing my mind. Erica has the right song. Steve Miller Band. I just had the words mushed in my mush brain.

The season is changing and I am going through the motions that need to be done to ready for winter. Really I gave no thought of it before. There is alot of shit to do. My only concern was to tell Courtney which plants needed special care and that is it. He checked the roof, took care of the gutters, trimed the trees and packed away all of the outdoor toys. Now it is up to the boys and I. We got some of it done this weekend. I figure a little at a time still counts. The change I have seen in the kids is enormous. Last year Courtney dragged them out to help him and they fought and kicked the entire time. This year they dove in head first. They found great pride in doing what Dad did. They goofed around with each other the way he did.

There are moments where I am so afraid that someday they will deal with losing him by denying him. Not for lack of love but more of defence. Cutting off the hurt. Then there are moments where I see so much of him in them. Little quirks he had, they share. The way they sit, the faces they make, the tone they take, just little things noone else sees. It fills my heart with so much pride to know that even though he was not their biological father that he very clearly did create them. He shared himself with them and they absorbed so much. I know that because of him they will be good men someday.

There is a song, really it is one line of a song. I don't even know the name of it. The line however is "Time keeps on ticking". Every single day there is a moment (most times many moments) that I hear that little voice in my head. That line repeats again and again.

It was screaming at me today. It was a playoff game for the #2 and #3. I kept thinking of last year. Courtney was so damn excited that they made it. I was so irritated that the season was still going. This year my sentiment was the same. I missed his so much. Him hooting and hollering from the stands. His egging on of the other team. Him just being the dad he was meant to be. They ended in a harsh loss. The game was rigged I tell you. The boys were crushed and I know it would have made a huge difference if he was there.

After the game my dad wanted to take the boys out to eat. My first thought, let me call Courtney and see if he wants to meet us. There was that voice again. Taunting me. I can't believe I actually had my phone in hand ready to call him. I did keep my composure and I am sure that none of them caught on but fuck, that was hard.

I just want to feel normal again. Funny thing that was normal for that one second, I lost myself in the running bullshit lines I feed myself on a daily basis just to get through. I honestly forgot that he is gone. For that second after a shitty shitty day, I felt like I did when he was here. Then of course the guilt hit. Like a ton of bricks. I have this pit in my stomach like I just did him the worst disservice ever by forgetting he had died. I know that he really could give a shit but it seems like for that moment time stood still. He was there waiting for my call. If I had dialed the phone he would have picked it up. I didn't though and now TIME KEEPS ON TICKING.

I have come here to post so many times in the last few weeks. Each time I break down and just can't put the words into text as they pour from my mind. So much has happened so much has changed.

Time is passing. Time is standing still. There is no sense to my words, that I know. Every single day that he is gone is getting harder. I think that I have just began to realize that he isn't coming back. I have gotten through each day by living for my kids. I have fooled myself into the thought that this is just a test. He is waiting right around the corner to say it is over and I will never leave you again. I am just done. I can't continue on like I have.

I am so disappointed in myself. I feel that I am letting everyone down but I cant smile anymore. It hurts to much. I cant go on about my life and act like I know it will be okay because I know it wont. Nothing will be okay without him. He was more than just a partner to me. He was part of me. I am so empty and lost without him. I need him so that I can be me.

I have no idea where this blog will go from here. All I know is that I need this place to come and spew my emotions. I need this place to come and sort out my thoughts and experience from the day. So who knows what you may find, I certainly don't but I will guarantee that you will find something from here on out.