Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Things are either really shitty or really great. I seem to only come here when they are shitty. I am tired of this blog being a sounding board for only the bad. There needs to be good, there needs to be happiness. The self hosted pity party is over. Don't get me wrong there are always going to be the moments where I am in the gutter and need to vent but I want to express the good times as well. As for the fucktards in my life who relish in the drama I hope you choke on your own dick.

Life has been busy. That is an incredible thing. Busy with the kids, busy with friends. It is how I want to live again. It is how I have always been. Easily distracted, quickly bored. I need distraction and the group of delinquents who I love dearly keep me fulfilled on a regular basis. Well, that is when I get around to being on time. That was a constant battle with Courtney and I. Being late is a huge part of being me, lol. It is a trait shared by everyone in my family, I grew up being late and I really don't mind it. Courtney however hated being late. This guy would be at work at least a half hour early each day. He would lie to me about when we had to be places so I would be on time. An illness I think. But yeah I know I need to work on that a bit.

Through the tragedies of last year I have found some of the most amazing friends to share my life with. Losing Bubba put things in perspective. He was the guy that everyone knew. He was accepted by anyone he met. He was the guy that became your best friend after just a few minutes. He never let you feel like the douche who knew him and he didn't know you. He had a gift for life that is rarely seen. His greatest gift was bringing people together. He could see past the shell of who a person was and see their soul. He would introduce people who seemingly had nothing in common and they would take off as the greatest of friends. He has carried that on even in his death by leading me to people who I would never have been able to get through Courtney's death without. He would tell me stories about these people and I would think huh they would be fun to be around. We would all see each other in passing but without Bubba, without our glue we would have never found each other.

With Courtney's death I have learned how to lean on my friends. Yeah I know that some may call bullshit but really I have. I am a private person. For reason that are now so very clear I have always kept most of my life to myself. Courtney would try to get me to open myself up and with him I could but never to others. Without him to lean on I have found a others to do so with. Courtney has shown me who my true friends are and what a true friend will be. There will always be people who you must deal with due to the politics of humanity but never with a veil over your eyes.

All of us are so different. We are all so much the same. Our backgrounds are as twisted and chaotic as could be but somehow we ended on the same road. What one lacks the other provides. Each possesses a strength the others are lacking. Different circles of friends that can never intertwine and be okay or when they do they are like they had never parted. I hope that to the people who have given me so much that I am able to give a little back. I have been so wrapped up in my own issues I have forgotten that in order to have friends you need to be one.

I am sorry.

7 comments:

STACI said...

You should say sorry, you have been a friend to so many people thru all of this... Putting yourself on the back burner, glad that you have been able to find the true friends and able to find away for you to live in all this chaos..

saya said...

"He would lie to me about when we had to be places so I would be on time".

hahahahahaha.... i used to do this to shawn

Carmen said...

Personally, I think you're a great friend.

STACI said...

sorry mine comment should say you shouldn't say sorry....

leanbh said...

it's nice to hear from you again. Been missing you! FWIW, I think you've been supportive to many in "our circle" even whilst working your way through your own grief.

Anonymous said...

I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! thats all i gotta say!
-gloria

Melissa said...

Oh sweetie, I think that you are a great friend too. I wish I could give you a hug right now.