I am tired of the quiet. I am tired of the unceasing noise. I am tired of the phone always ringing I am tired of th ephone not ringing. I am tired of living my life this way. I am tired of not living my life. I am tired of the images that never seem to leave my mind. I am tired the worry of forgetting one single moment of the images in my mind.

It is never ending. There is no balance anymore. How do you live for the joy in life when a part of you has been taken away? The motions of being "normal" for my children are becoming harder and harder each day. I just don't know how to do this alone. He was so much a part of me, he had become me.

No relationship is ever perfect. Our was no different, we argued, we bickered and we disagreed. In all of that we found each other time and time again. When we argued it wasnt ugly. A fight never lasted for days. It didnt effect other aspects of our lives. There were no words spoken in anger that were regretted later. I have never in my life trusted someone the way I trusted him. I could see him across a room and without a single word we would know what the other was thinking. We had the same hope and ideas of the future. We never went more than a few hours without contact. He would call or text and I the same for no good reason, just so we knoew the other was there. I knew that no matter what the situation, he held me and the kids in his hand. I never had to worry that there would be a time that he would betray that trust and love. He let me be me. He never tried to change me. We just grew together and in that we grew to be one. We found that balance in life that so few do. Courtney was Courtney and Vicki was Vicki but together we were more.

It is so cliche but he is my soulmate. How do I live without such a huge part of my soul? How do I keep this fake smile and go on about my day? All I want to do is sit and cry. I just want to mourn without the worry of hurting someone else in the process. I just want to sob and sob until this pain is gone.

Okay, a bit of relief has come our way. The POS has once again dropped the custody/visitation case. He had visitation right there in his hands and pulls out. The timing is all wrong, he is going to be traveling for work. Fuck I am so happy for my boys. This is a huge weight that has lifted. He can't touch them. They can relax and not have that what if lingering over them. When I told them that it was over, I could actually see their spirits lift. They smiled, #1 actually giggled a little. It was so good to see them look like kids again even if it was just for a minute.

Today Courtney's mom also had eye surgery. One eye took several hours. This was supposed to be a quick in and out procedure. Now they tell me that she must remain on her stomach with her head down for the next week in recovery. How the fuck do I manage this. It was going to be hard enough to deal with taking care of her and Ed without this new twist. I can not in any way shape or form move this woman. I will not even consider the option of wiping anything let alone an ass. Oh hell no. Ed just isn't capable of doing these things either. Contrary to popular belief I am happy and relived that she is okay. I hope that this is what she needs to see better. I am waiting for the moment when I can sit again. Breath again and for the love of all that is holy in this world not take care of anyone but myself and my kids.

See I told you I was losing my mind. Erica has the right song. Steve Miller Band. I just had the words mushed in my mush brain.

The season is changing and I am going through the motions that need to be done to ready for winter. Really I gave no thought of it before. There is alot of shit to do. My only concern was to tell Courtney which plants needed special care and that is it. He checked the roof, took care of the gutters, trimed the trees and packed away all of the outdoor toys. Now it is up to the boys and I. We got some of it done this weekend. I figure a little at a time still counts. The change I have seen in the kids is enormous. Last year Courtney dragged them out to help him and they fought and kicked the entire time. This year they dove in head first. They found great pride in doing what Dad did. They goofed around with each other the way he did.

There are moments where I am so afraid that someday they will deal with losing him by denying him. Not for lack of love but more of defence. Cutting off the hurt. Then there are moments where I see so much of him in them. Little quirks he had, they share. The way they sit, the faces they make, the tone they take, just little things noone else sees. It fills my heart with so much pride to know that even though he was not their biological father that he very clearly did create them. He shared himself with them and they absorbed so much. I know that because of him they will be good men someday.

There is a song, really it is one line of a song. I don't even know the name of it. The line however is "Time keeps on ticking". Every single day there is a moment (most times many moments) that I hear that little voice in my head. That line repeats again and again.

It was screaming at me today. It was a playoff game for the #2 and #3. I kept thinking of last year. Courtney was so damn excited that they made it. I was so irritated that the season was still going. This year my sentiment was the same. I missed his so much. Him hooting and hollering from the stands. His egging on of the other team. Him just being the dad he was meant to be. They ended in a harsh loss. The game was rigged I tell you. The boys were crushed and I know it would have made a huge difference if he was there.

After the game my dad wanted to take the boys out to eat. My first thought, let me call Courtney and see if he wants to meet us. There was that voice again. Taunting me. I can't believe I actually had my phone in hand ready to call him. I did keep my composure and I am sure that none of them caught on but fuck, that was hard.

I just want to feel normal again. Funny thing that was normal for that one second, I lost myself in the running bullshit lines I feed myself on a daily basis just to get through. I honestly forgot that he is gone. For that second after a shitty shitty day, I felt like I did when he was here. Then of course the guilt hit. Like a ton of bricks. I have this pit in my stomach like I just did him the worst disservice ever by forgetting he had died. I know that he really could give a shit but it seems like for that moment time stood still. He was there waiting for my call. If I had dialed the phone he would have picked it up. I didn't though and now TIME KEEPS ON TICKING.

I have come here to post so many times in the last few weeks. Each time I break down and just can't put the words into text as they pour from my mind. So much has happened so much has changed.

Time is passing. Time is standing still. There is no sense to my words, that I know. Every single day that he is gone is getting harder. I think that I have just began to realize that he isn't coming back. I have gotten through each day by living for my kids. I have fooled myself into the thought that this is just a test. He is waiting right around the corner to say it is over and I will never leave you again. I am just done. I can't continue on like I have.

I am so disappointed in myself. I feel that I am letting everyone down but I cant smile anymore. It hurts to much. I cant go on about my life and act like I know it will be okay because I know it wont. Nothing will be okay without him. He was more than just a partner to me. He was part of me. I am so empty and lost without him. I need him so that I can be me.

I have no idea where this blog will go from here. All I know is that I need this place to come and spew my emotions. I need this place to come and sort out my thoughts and experience from the day. So who knows what you may find, I certainly don't but I will guarantee that you will find something from here on out.