Finding oneself is hard. We all know who we are. I know who I am, I always have. I am happy and satisfied with who I am. Time has changed me and as is life it will contine to do so. Knowing who you are and actually acting upon that is the hard part. I have never been one to give a rats ass wether your opinion of me is high or low. I have always been the shy girl who blends in when there is a crowd but the loud really obnoxious girl when it comes to my friends. I am loyal and honest to a fault. I mean to a fault literally, I have lost many a friend for telling it like it is.
I am still this girl. I am having issues with the fact that all of a sudden who I am effects so many people. If I am me, if I find joy and humor in the dark reality of life it hurts the feelings of others. Leads them to think I never cared. If I sit and let the fucked up reality of my life cut me down I am now depressing people and making them uncomfortable. If I just get through each day, people feel sorry for me.
No matter what road I take in life, no matter what I do with my life, Courtney will always and forever be at the center of it. He will dictate many of the steps I take until I am unable to make anymore. Each decision I make hinges on what his opinion would have been. That won't change even if I do.
His death has lead to my rebirth. I will of course need wrangling as I go down this new path. It is a well known fact that I get out of control when the mind is set. I need my friends and family to be there and say "hey stupid that was to much" or "dumbshit you need to relax and remember who you are, not what you long to be". Growth is always through experience and this experience is the worst one to have to endure. I will never love the way I love him, never do the things the way we did but time and understanding will continue to help me find the way. A new way to live again.