Things are either really shitty or really great. I seem to only come here when they are shitty. I am tired of this blog being a sounding board for only the bad. There needs to be good, there needs to be happiness. The self hosted pity party is over. Don't get me wrong there are always going to be the moments where I am in the gutter and need to vent but I want to express the good times as well. As for the fucktards in my life who relish in the drama I hope you choke on your own dick.

Life has been busy. That is an incredible thing. Busy with the kids, busy with friends. It is how I want to live again. It is how I have always been. Easily distracted, quickly bored. I need distraction and the group of delinquents who I love dearly keep me fulfilled on a regular basis. Well, that is when I get around to being on time. That was a constant battle with Courtney and I. Being late is a huge part of being me, lol. It is a trait shared by everyone in my family, I grew up being late and I really don't mind it. Courtney however hated being late. This guy would be at work at least a half hour early each day. He would lie to me about when we had to be places so I would be on time. An illness I think. But yeah I know I need to work on that a bit.

Through the tragedies of last year I have found some of the most amazing friends to share my life with. Losing Bubba put things in perspective. He was the guy that everyone knew. He was accepted by anyone he met. He was the guy that became your best friend after just a few minutes. He never let you feel like the douche who knew him and he didn't know you. He had a gift for life that is rarely seen. His greatest gift was bringing people together. He could see past the shell of who a person was and see their soul. He would introduce people who seemingly had nothing in common and they would take off as the greatest of friends. He has carried that on even in his death by leading me to people who I would never have been able to get through Courtney's death without. He would tell me stories about these people and I would think huh they would be fun to be around. We would all see each other in passing but without Bubba, without our glue we would have never found each other.

With Courtney's death I have learned how to lean on my friends. Yeah I know that some may call bullshit but really I have. I am a private person. For reason that are now so very clear I have always kept most of my life to myself. Courtney would try to get me to open myself up and with him I could but never to others. Without him to lean on I have found a others to do so with. Courtney has shown me who my true friends are and what a true friend will be. There will always be people who you must deal with due to the politics of humanity but never with a veil over your eyes.

All of us are so different. We are all so much the same. Our backgrounds are as twisted and chaotic as could be but somehow we ended on the same road. What one lacks the other provides. Each possesses a strength the others are lacking. Different circles of friends that can never intertwine and be okay or when they do they are like they had never parted. I hope that to the people who have given me so much that I am able to give a little back. I have been so wrapped up in my own issues I have forgotten that in order to have friends you need to be one.

I am sorry.

Finding oneself is hard. We all know who we are. I know who I am, I always have. I am happy and satisfied with who I am. Time has changed me and as is life it will contine to do so. Knowing who you are and actually acting upon that is the hard part. I have never been one to give a rats ass wether your opinion of me is high or low. I have always been the shy girl who blends in when there is a crowd but the loud really obnoxious girl when it comes to my friends. I am loyal and honest to a fault. I mean to a fault literally, I have lost many a friend for telling it like it is.

I am still this girl. I am having issues with the fact that all of a sudden who I am effects so many people. If I am me, if I find joy and humor in the dark reality of life it hurts the feelings of others. Leads them to think I never cared. If I sit and let the fucked up reality of my life cut me down I am now depressing people and making them uncomfortable. If I just get through each day, people feel sorry for me.

No matter what road I take in life, no matter what I do with my life, Courtney will always and forever be at the center of it. He will dictate many of the steps I take until I am unable to make anymore. Each decision I make hinges on what his opinion would have been. That won't change even if I do.

His death has lead to my rebirth. I will of course need wrangling as I go down this new path. It is a well known fact that I get out of control when the mind is set. I need my friends and family to be there and say "hey stupid that was to much" or "dumbshit you need to relax and remember who you are, not what you long to be". Growth is always through experience and this experience is the worst one to have to endure. I will never love the way I love him, never do the things the way we did but time and understanding will continue to help me find the way. A new way to live again.

Maybe if you show other some compassion, you'll get some! You should be careful what you post online. Your comments on forums could come back to bite you.
December 30, 2008 2:04 PM

This is why I have this blog. I have done nothing but try to give EVERYONE the benefit of the doubt since losing Courtney. I have made myself miserable for months trying to put my best foot forward. I have lost a huge part of myself trying to make sure I don't upset anyone. Always saying the right thing, always making sure I am doing for others, always trying to be there as a friend.

You are a fucking coward to come here and talk shit and then not leave your name. Where on earth do you mystery reader get off telling me to have compassion? And in regards to what? Feel free to fess up I think I have been pretty fucking open in my comments. I have also been nothing but respectful by keeping others names out of it so the "guilty" only have to answer to themselves. Unlesss of course you are seeing yourself in my posts could that be where this bullshit comes from?

Compassion for those who made promises to my kids and then broke them? Or should I do more for the people who lie and say they call and visit when we have seen hide nor hair in months? Would the compassion come in the form of me sitting in my home doing nothing for myself or my kids? Shall I sit here for the next 50 years of my line alone with no hope or joy?

I will own every word I have posted. That is why I made this blog known to family, friends and strangers. Does everyone have to agreee? Does everyone have to like it? No not at all but if you don't then either come clean or don't fucking read it.