Things are either really shitty or really great. I seem to only come here when they are shitty. I am tired of this blog being a sounding board for only the bad. There needs to be good, there needs to be happiness. The self hosted pity party is over. Don't get me wrong there are always going to be the moments where I am in the gutter and need to vent but I want to express the good times as well. As for the fucktards in my life who relish in the drama I hope you choke on your own dick.

Life has been busy. That is an incredible thing. Busy with the kids, busy with friends. It is how I want to live again. It is how I have always been. Easily distracted, quickly bored. I need distraction and the group of delinquents who I love dearly keep me fulfilled on a regular basis. Well, that is when I get around to being on time. That was a constant battle with Courtney and I. Being late is a huge part of being me, lol. It is a trait shared by everyone in my family, I grew up being late and I really don't mind it. Courtney however hated being late. This guy would be at work at least a half hour early each day. He would lie to me about when we had to be places so I would be on time. An illness I think. But yeah I know I need to work on that a bit.

Through the tragedies of last year I have found some of the most amazing friends to share my life with. Losing Bubba put things in perspective. He was the guy that everyone knew. He was accepted by anyone he met. He was the guy that became your best friend after just a few minutes. He never let you feel like the douche who knew him and he didn't know you. He had a gift for life that is rarely seen. His greatest gift was bringing people together. He could see past the shell of who a person was and see their soul. He would introduce people who seemingly had nothing in common and they would take off as the greatest of friends. He has carried that on even in his death by leading me to people who I would never have been able to get through Courtney's death without. He would tell me stories about these people and I would think huh they would be fun to be around. We would all see each other in passing but without Bubba, without our glue we would have never found each other.

With Courtney's death I have learned how to lean on my friends. Yeah I know that some may call bullshit but really I have. I am a private person. For reason that are now so very clear I have always kept most of my life to myself. Courtney would try to get me to open myself up and with him I could but never to others. Without him to lean on I have found a others to do so with. Courtney has shown me who my true friends are and what a true friend will be. There will always be people who you must deal with due to the politics of humanity but never with a veil over your eyes.

All of us are so different. We are all so much the same. Our backgrounds are as twisted and chaotic as could be but somehow we ended on the same road. What one lacks the other provides. Each possesses a strength the others are lacking. Different circles of friends that can never intertwine and be okay or when they do they are like they had never parted. I hope that to the people who have given me so much that I am able to give a little back. I have been so wrapped up in my own issues I have forgotten that in order to have friends you need to be one.

I am sorry.

Finding oneself is hard. We all know who we are. I know who I am, I always have. I am happy and satisfied with who I am. Time has changed me and as is life it will contine to do so. Knowing who you are and actually acting upon that is the hard part. I have never been one to give a rats ass wether your opinion of me is high or low. I have always been the shy girl who blends in when there is a crowd but the loud really obnoxious girl when it comes to my friends. I am loyal and honest to a fault. I mean to a fault literally, I have lost many a friend for telling it like it is.

I am still this girl. I am having issues with the fact that all of a sudden who I am effects so many people. If I am me, if I find joy and humor in the dark reality of life it hurts the feelings of others. Leads them to think I never cared. If I sit and let the fucked up reality of my life cut me down I am now depressing people and making them uncomfortable. If I just get through each day, people feel sorry for me.

No matter what road I take in life, no matter what I do with my life, Courtney will always and forever be at the center of it. He will dictate many of the steps I take until I am unable to make anymore. Each decision I make hinges on what his opinion would have been. That won't change even if I do.

His death has lead to my rebirth. I will of course need wrangling as I go down this new path. It is a well known fact that I get out of control when the mind is set. I need my friends and family to be there and say "hey stupid that was to much" or "dumbshit you need to relax and remember who you are, not what you long to be". Growth is always through experience and this experience is the worst one to have to endure. I will never love the way I love him, never do the things the way we did but time and understanding will continue to help me find the way. A new way to live again.

Maybe if you show other some compassion, you'll get some! You should be careful what you post online. Your comments on forums could come back to bite you.
December 30, 2008 2:04 PM

This is why I have this blog. I have done nothing but try to give EVERYONE the benefit of the doubt since losing Courtney. I have made myself miserable for months trying to put my best foot forward. I have lost a huge part of myself trying to make sure I don't upset anyone. Always saying the right thing, always making sure I am doing for others, always trying to be there as a friend.

You are a fucking coward to come here and talk shit and then not leave your name. Where on earth do you mystery reader get off telling me to have compassion? And in regards to what? Feel free to fess up I think I have been pretty fucking open in my comments. I have also been nothing but respectful by keeping others names out of it so the "guilty" only have to answer to themselves. Unlesss of course you are seeing yourself in my posts could that be where this bullshit comes from?

Compassion for those who made promises to my kids and then broke them? Or should I do more for the people who lie and say they call and visit when we have seen hide nor hair in months? Would the compassion come in the form of me sitting in my home doing nothing for myself or my kids? Shall I sit here for the next 50 years of my line alone with no hope or joy?

I will own every word I have posted. That is why I made this blog known to family, friends and strangers. Does everyone have to agreee? Does everyone have to like it? No not at all but if you don't then either come clean or don't fucking read it.

Who the fuck are you to come around and judge me for finding a moments happiness? Who the fuck are you to judge the fact that I get out of bed and most days get dressed? Who the fuck are you to question how I manage to be with friends and think about all the good and not the bad?

Every fucking moment of my life is consumed by what is missing from it. Can you for one second really think that me being with people I care about makes me a bad person? Fuck off. I clearly don't grieve like you. Oh hell, I have never done anything in my life like the typical fucking airheads you date. I pride myself in the fact that I am stronger than that. Courtney loved me for that.

I had just made it to a happy place and what do ya know, you fuck it all up. Question myself, question the way others see me. I am not going to do this to my kids or myself. I won't be the girl who wears black and sits in the corner with my cats for the rest of my life. Honestly I don't like cats.

I am me, take it or leave it. I will find peace again. I have no idea if that will be in the next day or not for another 20 years but I will find it. No matter where my life takes me Courtney will always be there in the center of it. Don't for one second take that for granted. I know in my heart that if the positions were reversed he would be feeling and doing the exact same things. He would not bury his head in the sand until "you" say it was time to live again. I won't either.

So bottom line is you can take me on the good days and the bad or you can take your self-righteous, pretentious bullshit, better than the rest, secretly self loathing, always looking for the spot light ass and move the fuck on.

Last night was Metallica. Leading up to go time for leaving I was freaking the fuck out. Melanie and Kristi were both vigalante in their attempts to relax me. The more they tried the more I freaked. I wanted to go, I wanted to enjoy myself. I wanted to be me again. I cleaned the house. I went and ran errands. I took a chill pill (happy Melissa?) and cuddled up with Cal on the couch and passed the fuck out. I did anything and everything to make sure that I would not get ready and go. Sure enough, I get the final are you getting ready phone call. Thank goodness because it is the only reason I woke up, lol. I got ready. I packed the obligatory tailgater ice chest. Dropped the kids off. I made it to the house to pick everyone up. The second I pulled in the driveway I knew it was going to be a great night. All of my anxiety washed away. I had so much fun. It was like I was me again. None of the hurt, none of the anger. I laughed and smiled genuine smiles. I missed having Courtney there but I was okay knowing that he was gone. This simple concert was a huge step in me feeling like there is an end to all of this. The road is long and for this one great night, there will be many many bad nights but this was good. This was what I needed. I love you guys for pulling me out of my comfort zone and I thank you! For now, for this short moment in time I am ready for what is next. Good or bad.

I have come to realize that in my grief I have become a really shitty friend. I think there are a few of you who have tried to get me to see this but I am that stubborn to just ignore it.

I try to make plans but chances are I will weasel my way out of them. Unless of course they are at my house. Bottom line is I have some real anxiety about leaving my house. Doing the everyday errands are okay but leaving to go out and enjoy myself is hard. I am so afraid to leave and forget one single detail of our life together. There is so much guilt I feel having the ability to leave when he can't. What right do I have to enjoy what should have been our life together when he won't. I know this is not healthy but I am so so torn. This is one of the main reasons I have turned into such a horrid friend.

Then of course there is the inevitable disappearing act. If I do leave the house I have a tendency to get worked up and panic. Instead of being a normal person and let others see this I bolt. I vow to not do this anymore as the last time was a real wake up in how dangerous this habit is becoming.

I don't answer the phone. Chances are I am avoiding having to answer the barrage of questions. Then I don't return the call because then there are just more questions.

Now here is the favorite go to. If I do talk and interact there is a very damn good chance that our entire conversation was led by me bullshitting you into talking about anything and everything to do with the state of affairs in my life. Deflection is the name of the game. I really have gotten good at this. Even when you know I am doing it, you fall for it.

There are the people in my life that like I said in the previous post I am ready to close that door. Then there are the friends that I am here to apologize to. There are so many friends that have done so much for the boys and I. There are just no words to explain how sorry I am. I have been selfish and unkind. My grief and self loathing has left me on an island alone. I know it is wrong and I am trying to fix it but please be patient. I foresee this going on for some time because on this island there is no raft. There is no easy fix. You are all welcome to visit but leaving this place is something I need to do on my own. This is the journey, I must take to find my peace in life. I hope that if I find a way home than some of you will still be there.

I need motivation. There is this voice I can hear in the back of my head but it is quiet no more than a whisper. It is urging me to get back to the grind to bring stability into our lives. I fear that unless it grows louder I am just going to continue on this path of self sabatoge.

I feel like such a hypocrite for living my life right now in the opposite way I strive to teach my boys.
Always do what makes you happy.
Live for that sake of living not for the sake of others opinions.
Strive for more.
Cherish what you have not what you have lost.

Such simple things to do are now so agonizing. I am trying though. I need to wrap my head around him being gone. I have denied myself that. I know I have talked about it before but I think that once I do that I can return to being me. I need to take all of the memories I re-play in my head each day and find a way to see them how they made me happy, not how they make me sad. I need to find that control over this monster that is eating my soul. I swear if you mention drugs one more time I will punch you in your whoreish face, Saya. If I can find my footing then I will look at drugs to keep my hold but you know me. I am way to much of a stubborn hag to admit I need help yet.